the only food in my room right now that doesnt require preperation is graham crackers. i hate graham crackers. but i'm eating them because my stomache has that empty, raw, acidy, churning feeling and i need someting in it. and there are butterflies to.
so. ok
last night, drunk girl i know confesses some sort of crush on me and i am blind-sided. i telll her, lets talk about it when you are sober.
now i know her. there is an 85% chance she will pretend she forgot saying, that it wasnt true, or try and play it off as some kind of joke or just never admit it. she has a bit of the social anxiety and despite how she may seem she is shy as hell. and if hse is anything like me she is waking up right now (or rather several hours from now) and feel very embarassed.
I was hoping to have a dream about her last night, I have been looking to my dreams lately in a way I haven't in a very long time.
the night before last i had a dream where i was about to get married to some guy but before we got married we had to get rid of all these dead babies that he was somehow responsible for, and by the end of it i didnt want to marry him anymore.
so her, yes her. what do i want now?
she is attractive, that is for sure. she is cute, and sweet, and funny. she is also a bit judgemental at times. i recently said, actually, that i didnt particularly want to be friends enough. that she was nice and all btu sometimes annoying and negative and i wouldnt hang out with her really if it werent for so and so and so and so
she hates people paying for her. When we try to buy her food at a restaurant when she is broke she gets very very upset.
I feel like I would be a huge hypocrite if i suddenly developed romantic attraction for her nowjust because she had one for me. But goddammit I havent been on a date in a year.
why not see where it goes. right now give it a whirl
but the thing is, it is the end of the semester and she is probably about to leave and go home in a few days, so what is the point of starting anything now?
but arent I getting ahead of myself? all i have is a drunken confession and a decision to talk about it when she is sober.

and now I am thinking about last time i drank with her, and walking back to our dorms and the kiss she gave me that i didnt think anything off at the time . . . i was defintly attracted to her then, perhaps in spite of myself. Hell I wouldnt be wigging out so much if i didnt feel something too. but I have been so far up someone else's ass the last few months I wouldnt know my own hand if i saw it.
ugh i hate graham crackers. and my stomache stil feels acidy. its from stress not emptiness or hunger.
effin hell
could you have waited one more day to drunkenly confess to me? really? i mean the day before my biggest exam (and last actual exam for that matter) after this i have to pretend i wrote a directing response paper for every show i saw this semester, and turn them in for directing class, and then i have to add 3 more minutes to my play for playwrigihting and that is that. except those might not be in order
and shit you are making me feel nervous and weird and anxious and my stomache feels horrible, like i am sick. and i cant stop thinking about you now. thanks thanks alot.