Gone for a week and dying to see her again.

One night i texted her back and forth for an hour while we both watched her favorite show, though I really didn't like it very much, or feel like watching television.
I was dying to see her.
And I mean that in the sort of way that it came on in waves. Every so often when thinking about her I would suddenly be struck with that need to see her, it felt like dying, or how I imagine it. A sort of pulling on my insides, like leaving myself but I am not quite able to.

I felt that many a time while I was away on break

And then i return and I see her and I want to leap out of my skin, I want to hold her.

I hate to admit it but I secretly want her to be upset and crying so that I can come in and comfort her, hold her, become closer to her. It's horrible of me i know. To wish pain apon her. I don't really. God i can't imagine how much it would hurt to see her like that. The further my imagination goes with it the more i feel like crying like dying

With her for hours.

I want to touch her. dying for it. my self stretching out of my body to graze her skin.
We are in the car, three of us shoved in the backseat. Me on the left and her on the right, a friend of ours in the middle. And i stretch my arm across the back of the seat rather than at my side, so that even though my arm is sort of around our friend my hand can rest on her shoulder. I can feel her movement and her warmth and know tat is where she is
ecstasy

I am being ridiculous, I am going overboard. It isn't that huge, but it is pretty goddamm big. almost huge
enormoous even

it wasn't before break. It wasn't that bad a little over a week ago, something about absence and the heart and fondness . . . . but I never bought that. It isnt the absence, it is seeing her after it.

and it suddenly, after that, went from infatuation to . . . something far more painful

Every chance I have to touch her I do. I lean towards her, lean on her when I laugh, i just want to feel her near me. sometimes I think that is enough to make me happy. If I could hold her. . .
We are sitting there on a friends couch, talking laughing, and she is laying back, loounging, her back against pillows and I want to lean in over her and I don't I can't I want to. I want to just lean in over her and look at her . . . I want to kiss her. goddammit i want to kiss her.
I shouldn't

I have talked it over with Trent a million times, I should try to get over her. I should I really should and sometimes I say I am trying, that I am getting over her. I lie through my teeth. It is impossibility. I just want to keep feeling this. God I don't want it to stop. It hurts so bad. I cry and I write hyperbolic diary entries and think about writing poetry again. Christ, to be writing anything again. I miss writing.She makes me want to again. Just look at how long this is compared to my other recent entries.
I want to be in love with someone. so badly.

I want to be in love even more than I want to be loved, just a little, just barely. that is the real problem. and it is so wonderful to feel this again, that I almsot don't care about how much it hurts.

I have found myself saying "I don't do things like that" alot lately.

--

so yeah
I am going to get a new tattoo when I get paid at the end of this month . . . still not entirely sure what it will be. I am looking at a few things. this one will be a little one. very small. on my chest on th eleft side. Not on my breast because that is just stupid, above my breast.
I am leaning towards things like this:


if you stumble across anything particularly good (I am fond of symbols about reincarnation and eternal life and rebirth and stuff) let me see it