my leg is sore in that sort of constant ouch cant fall asleep sort of way. not that i want to fall asleep but its the same sorta pain.

so yeah

if you are reading this, i am sorry i made a scene at dinner tonight.

so i have alot of shit. a whole lot of shit to think about and become ok with.

You see, i don't get what happened in me. There are two things about myself that have changed without me knowing it. I don't know when it happened, these have been things that i thought were really a part of myself for a long long time

so now, i am afraid of talking to people. I didn't used to be. I hated calling strangers on the phone but talking to strangers face to face, making conversation with waitresses, getting to know cashiers; those things were all something i did. If a friend and i were debating the age of some attractive guy across a restaurant i would pick a dramatically appropriate moment and go ask him face to face. no problem
i dont do that anymore
it scares me and worries me and makes me frightened small and uncomfortable

so yeah, and what else. I make scenes. I mean I would have fun and be loud and boisterous in public before but i never used being upset to do something excessive and dramatic with my friends (at least excessive and dramatic from my point of view, jsut to cover my ass for some people who would disagree) i wouldnt argue with my brother and get pissed off in a restaurant, and i certainly wouldnt run off from a friends house drunk at 3:30 in the morning. I didn't used to do things like that.

I always used to think that i would essentially be the same person most of my life, certain things might be more prevalent, others might mellow. but for the most part i was who i was. I was cool with that. i liked that, alot actually.
im not so sure i like who i am now.

oh and my grandfather apparently started coughing up blood a couple weeks ago. no one told me till i got home this week. He was diagnosed with COPD which i had to google to figure out what it was.it seems he has finally gotten a disease from smoking like a chimney the majority of his life. he is on medication for it and is still smoking. from an article i read i discovered that medication can slow the progress of the disease unless the patient keeps smoking. My dad says my grandmother told him that grandpa had started coughing up blood again.
I am going to see them tomorrow. This sucks. Cause the things is i can't have a conversation with grandpa about how he is killing himself i cant even say, look smoking gave you a disease and you wont get rid of it until you quit, because he is a stubborn old bastard.

tomorrow i am going to the Sprint store to get my phone fixed, to the bank to deposit some money and to visit my grandparents. anyone wanna come along? I hate going to stores alone and wes will be out of town. I'll even let you when at scrabble when my grandmother talks us into playing, though i can't promise she will go so easy on you.