there is a certain pleasantness to knowing i will be home in time for lunch. I will say that.

I dont wanna wake up tomorrow and i dont want to go home. I want to see my old friends, don't get me wrong. I want to see my family too. It wasn't until this past month that I actually started talking much about my family in a fond way. I just . . . I am so much more fond of them when I am not near them.

I am actually quite tired. My two betta fish (named Hedwig and Yitsach, if you get the reference you have my undyig affection) are all ready for travel. I am pretty well packed up. I just dont feel ready at all. I am no good at these things really, when it comes down to it.I have known it for some time, but i need to say it. What i need is to be moved out, not to be in that inbetween college life sort of moved out state. I need to consolidate my posessions, get a place and live there. Going home shouldnt be going home. It should be visiting my friends and family.

When transporting my fish from their bowl thingie into what is essentially the glorified tupperware that i bought them in, one of them fell and was out of water. It was laying on the cold metal basin of the sink.
I panicked.
It was a fish. I know that, my friend was trying to calmly and carefully pick him back up without hurting him and get him into some water but i was panicking. I was calling Hedwig by his name and demanding that he be saved. If I had been alone he would have died. plain and simple.
I just don't handle these things.
If I am given a procedure I can manage. If it were a human in danger i would do something if I had to. If someone else more capable were there (and most people are more capable) I would defer it to them and follow instructions. If I were alone I could manage heroics but only because there are some things preprogrammed in me.
I havent got a heroic bone in my body.

It is silly of me to be trying to analyze myself through a situation with fish . . . but it's true in a way. It is evidence of something larger. I panic in crisis rather than rising to the occassion. If I were to save a life it really would be 'what anyone would do in that situation' rather than what heroes say what anyone would do in that situation is. It would be the bare minimum.

most likely though, i wont ever have to save a life.
these things dont happen day to day to normal people.
ordinary