she is sitting beside me and i want desperately to kiss her but i won't
it is a little thrilling that i am typing this and she could turn at any minute and read it. oh what a mess that would be
But trust me I won't be trying anything rash. Just a few hours ago I though that she hated me.
I knew better then, but I doubted. I might cry tonight because of her.
Why don't I write poetry anymore? She could be the muse for some amazing stuff.
I talked to Trent at lunch today, she came up in conversation, we discussed how if we mentioned a certain something to her she wouldnt want to talk about it, i elaborated:
She wouldnt say she didn't want to, she would kinda go "uhhh, ahhh' ::nervous laugh: I don't know" her face would point down and she would smile adorably and awkwardly and move it left to right while her voice lowered practically an octave and that weird voice she does when she is joking or uncomfortable or both. "well you see, I . . . you know" and then the subject would be changed
and it is really adorable
Trent said to me "wow, you really love her, you like really love her."
I told him to shut up, because that is dangerous ground there. I start going around saying that I am in love with a straight girl than I am setting myself up for even more pain than I thought.
He said it again a few times during the meal, everytime after I talked about her actually.
but I am not in love. I cannot be. I refuse to be. Because that makes things way too complicated.
I have to agree with Tony Kushner's words through Louis. Love takes months, years even. Though I have beleived myself to be in love after much shorter times than that.
Do I still beleive that what I had with him was love? I think about that and question it after every relationship and after a certain amount of time after each I have come to the conclusion that, in fact, no. It was not love. All of my relationships with the exception of one. What I wonder though is if I will eventually consider it not real love . . . Is it only a matter of time? It is my measuring stick. Perhaps an unrealistic one. the question is if something will replace it or if something will just be able to hold its own against it. And if and when that something comes will the old be considered frivolous, wrong, and somehow less than I think it is now?
It is hard to imagine our view of things changing. It is hard to imagine not being in love with someone when we are in love with them. It is hard to imagine not being in college while I am in college.
but I am not in love

it's just a silly phase I'm going through