so fuck it.
I am going to admit that there is a part of me that is testing them to see if they care at all or if they are worried aboout me.
I came to the decision sitting on the toilet in his house thinking that, A:: it was going to be so hard to not cry for an extended period of time and B: there wasnt really much of anywhere for me to sleep anyway.
So before I knew it I was walking alone back to campus with the yell of a few friends in the distance, just quiet enough for me to pretend I didn't hear it.
Let's ponder it though, where would I have slept? Not on that floor. I won't sleep on a dirty hardwood floor without so much as a sleeping bag when I have a perfectly good bed here. and Not on that bed, Not with her beside me, rejecting me. Getting kisses on the mouth from the gay man she finds attractive. If I sober up a bit more maybe I will go have a smoke thoughmostly I just have two urges, to sleep and to cut myself. Thank God that I loaned my box-cutter to Terry long ago and I will most likely not see him again ever since we no longer work together. I didn't need that in my life.
Oh but hell where there is a will there is a way. I just hope that there isn't that much willpower involved.
maybe I only like her so much because I knew she was impossible.

I thought that the walk back would hav ebeen more sobering than it was . . ,. it was fairly sobering buy I have to keep in mind those shots I had when I was fleeing the crowd and trying somewhat to drown pain and pretend I was not sad. and ttry so hard with more booze to keep myself from crying.

They won't call me to make sure I got back alright or anything and I won't call to make sure they know I made it back unraped either. If they don't want to know then why bother. I t is stupid of me I know, I know that I am making people worry without cause to a certaine xtent because of my self-hatred and need to feel cared about but also, fucking hell, I don't care that walking LEE St. to get back is not the safest thing, I could not stay there
COULD NOT
it was too much to ask to ask me to sleep there and see her in the morning and feel the rejection I felt. But most of all envy. Just insane seething envy, mixed with far more self-pity than I am due in life.

fuking hell everytime I close my eyes I see her. She is beautiful.
I wish I was beautioful.