In one hour Dad will be here to pick me up.

I had this dream last night. You see recently i have seen oen of the advanced makeup classes make plaster molds of their faces to make prosthetic peices on. In my dream i had made a similar mold of myself.
I was in a building that looked a bit like the old Roses in my home town that had gone out of business, at the entrance it felt like going into a tent. inside it was like a waitig room. there wer couches around. I had been talking to someone, i dont recall who i went in and wa slooking through a rack of clothing i glanced at the plaster mold and was started for just a moment. i then relaxed realizing it was fake. It really did look just like me. not the way i think of myself looking. I sort of have these 2 images of how i look, one is more attractive than i am, one is siginificantly less. Depending on my mood and my esteem at the time i usually consider myself to be one of those two images. The real me is somewhere in between i suppose. This model really really looked like me, it was a bit disconcerting.
Then it talked to me. i dont remeber what it said i just remember my chosck and that feeling of seizing up in my chest. The mold (which wa posed sitting on the couch) then got up, it was by then fully colored) and began to walk away. That is when I realized who it was. It was an image of me, but at the same time it was her, the meaning behind that still hasnt hit me i think. She walked into this crowd of people and didnt look back at me again. The person I had been talking to before that came up behind me and spoke to me, he commented something about a woman in the crowd, he meant her, the model. I asked him if he meant her, with the red hair. At this point her hair was red, that shade i always liked on myself, but it was longer and thinner and straighter than my own hair. he said yes and i looked a thim completely perplexed "dont you realize who that is?"
the thing is i am not sure if i meant the plaster model or the person i later realized it to be when i asked him.

that is haunting me a bit this morning. along wit the slight feeling of dread about going home.

It makes me realize i miss her. I think I havent really allowed myself any time to do that in a very long time.

I feel like shit and I want to cry.

Over break I am doing many things. I am making a coat and shopping and seeing old friends. Mom wants me to do a picture for the big bare wall in the kitchen about the table.
I think I want to write this play too. This one I have been thinking about for a very long time. maybe it will turn out to be something different but i feel like i need to do it.

I will most likely be pining away for the unattainable as well. I keep falling for the impossible because there cant be any real rejection when an actual proposition is never going to happen.

Mom wants me to do this picture. When I was in art in highschool I did this very hard picture with these sparrows that my mom really loved. I still dont think it was so great, and it was really hard for me to do, but i digress. My mother has been looking for something to put on this big blank space of wall in the kitchen ever since we repainted it. We used to have these really ugly wall candle things there, mom finally decided to retire them, thank god. She has been looking and looking she was talking about getting a picture biut she never found one she wanted saying she wanted something like that one i had made. Until she finally managed to subversively get me to agree to do a picture for the kitchen. I realy dont want to, i enjoy art but i havent been serious abou tit in 2 years. I dont know if i can do anything good enough anymore

in 30 minutes now dad will be here. there is ice on the trees here. I like that.
I went to walk to the cafeteria and grab something to eat, it wa sclosed and on the way back i nearly slipped and fell and died. thinking about iicy pedestrian paths amkes me think of when i was sick last semester and it was all icy outside and one of my friends walked down tate st to get me medicine. . . . good friend.

i dont even think i miss what i had with her, i just miss her.