"I never wanted you to live here; I only asked if you would stay."

I dont know why that lyric is hitting me right now.

Today, for the first time in a while i wanted to cut myself again. I am both proud and saddened that i didnt do it. Im not sure if it was my messy room with difficult to find sharp objects or my own will power that kept me from doing it.
I felt it this morning, i felt it coming. I was thinking about the difference between my father's mood wings and my own. From what I can tell the only thing that makes us different on the topic is that i acknowledge them and he does not. I realize my mood is swinging and that things are setting me off and affecting me more than they should and attempt to compensate accordingly; he has no intention of compensating, or admitting that his emotions are out of his control.
my swing today only served to worsen situations today that already would have been trying.
I want to get out of the house, but i want to be alone. I think that tonight shall be the first night in my new series of slipping out of the house after midnight to smoke and think. I never snuck out of the house as a kid, i was good enough at lying that there was never much of a need.