The primary problem is that i think of another person to go to sleep at night. The way a child needs her favorite stuffed animal to fall asleep i need the idea of another warm body in bed beside me, or even better: another warm body.
If i have an infatuation, i imagine them there. not in a particularly sexual manner, just beside me, arms around eachother, warm and safe and not alone. When I am in a relationship its even better, there are real sense memories to refer to and i sleep like a baby. but when there is no one. when i am in that void wher eno one really makes my heart skip beats, or at least no one that should, it feels strange.
Sometimes, against my own will, quite surprising people take that role in my mind. Random people who shouldnt be in that position suddenly slide between my arms. Its like a mental slot machine that takes affect when i am lonely.
My dreams do it as well, but regardless of where my conscious affections may lie. I had a dream a few weeks ago inw hich my co-star jsut kept changing, it was the same person but one minute it was one ex, the next a friend, a former crush. It all confused me very much.
I dont want to be so alone, not as alone as i am. Few friends remain for me in this town. My brother, Stefanie, a few partners for drunken revelry, that is it.
Last night, i drove home in a strange state, barely sober, focusing too hard on the road. Blaring a damaged beatles tape in which the music warbles so badly the songs are barely identifiable. at 2 am with few cars on teh road i managed to see what seemed like a million cops. I had rediscovered my old friend of drug use, and enjoyed it. With the aid of money we shall become close again.