Ever since i spoke to him about it, the idea cannot get out of my head. My mistkae of almost a year ago, sometime last summer, getting suckered in by what should have been an obvious lie to someone more self-aware, to someone more rational than I.
From the moment he met me he said i was beautiful. I should have felt something awry then. Like i said to him . . . I am well aware I am not beautiful. Maybe I am attractive in some ways, but it is by no means some sort of first impression thing. I am the sort, who if one will ever find me attractive, it is after getting to know me. After you know me a while, understand me a bit, then mayber you might see something attractive. When he said i was beautiful right away . . a blatant llie, i should have seen through.
I couldnt help it though. He claimed to see in me what i wanted to be there so badly.
this all sounds cynical, like i am wallowing in my own low self esteen, there is no getting around the fact that yes, maybe i am. But then I try to think about it all in a way that maybe he was telling the truth. I try to beleive, for the sake of argument, that he really did think i was beautiful from the moment he met me. Then i think, wow, the only person who thinks i am beautiful, like truly beautiful, and it couldnt work out . . . thats not likely to happen again.
given the two thought patterns, i would rather be cynical and skeptical.

I got one of those magnetic poetry sets, now that the fad is dying down and they are no longer painfully hip. I have 4 things written, here they are.

death springs by
so watch my sweet flood
crush a wet goddess

i am ugly

the egg felt the boy
but wax will still
lick
moan
&hit

the urge to kiss you will not go away

My friend, when i talk to him about my problems and the woe that is this summer and will continue to be this expanse of months, he tells me not to feel like i cant go to a therapist or something. i remind him that it costs money, and most likely my parents knowing. he says there are free counselling places, hotlines . . . after crying while talking to him and whimpering that i just dont know what is wrong with me, i suppose his concern is jsutified. I tried looking some up.. . .i felt like the beginning of Fight Club. I felt like a selfish horrible person. I felt like i would go to one of these things, and there would be all these people with real concrete problems and issues, absuive parents, rapes, addictions, . . . i would become so mundane, and all i would do is take attention away from thgem, when i wasnt worthy of it.

It sucks that all this questioning my self worth shit is happening when i am at home for summer, i am worthless here. It is a general concensus in this town that i am not important or worth any time. It is like my father has whispered into every citizen's ear:
that girl is barely human