three hours from now I'll be drunk. I will be happy perhaps.

I am no longer concerned with the prospect of becoming an alcoholic. Last week a friend of mine wanted to drink, was asking me to drink with him, he was paying, and i very much didnt want to. I even behaved in such a manner that would cause it not to happen. Feeling such a definitive urge not to drink makes me feel better I think.

right now, I am not woried about becoming my father, or ruining my life. I am not particularly concerned about the future at the moment, i just feel alive, in this glorious and depressing way.
just alive, nothing more.

It is silly ow i think of you so much. How my mind jsut constantly drifts to you, memories or ideas. things i want to tell you so that maybe you will laugh, o rnot laugh, or smile, or look at me strangely, or even be a bit angry . . . just so i can cause something in you. that makes me happy.

my roommates mother calls her regularly, they talk alot. I am not sur eif i am envious.
I am sure. I am. I dont have quite that relatiosnhip with any family member. I have the relationship with my brother that i should have with my parents, or maybe soemthign clsoe to that. i dont get phone calls regularly from anyone.

I still feel like the same loser i was back in middle school. I still feel like the one left out. Like the dog in that cartoon. there was a big bull dog who wore a red seater and a derby hat who had this little hyperactive chihuahua who followed him everywhere. and the little dog alwyas wanted to be a part of what was going on, but somehow never managed to properly align himself with the world in order to participate. That's me, although perhaps less enthusiastic.

I have been thinking about it and there are alot of things that i would do in order to becoem attractive, in an abstrat sense. I would do anythinng, almost. I would probably bend my morals slightly just to become beautiful, if i was in some hypothetical situation in which it was an option. I protest so much that looks don't matter, and in turth they don't matter to me. I am not particularly concerend with other people's looks. I do not care if someone is traditionally attractive. but i want to be. I want to be beautiful. There are all these perks that come with it. all that confidence. I always think that it will solve all my rpoblems, even though it probably won't.

It is only a matter of hours before i get drunk.