melissa etheridge and jewel's duet "sleep while i drive" is speaking to me
as are a few shots of vodka. soon there will be more alcohol to go along with it. it feels . . . . sweet.

I'm watching strong bad on homestarrunner.

I feel as though I am going to run away from here. just flee, in a mellow way like mellisa etheridge suggests. so soothing and safe
a strange safety is in the transience, a safety that i want.

the vodka is fading away, i nearly took pills tonight, but mere minutes before i did i was found by some people who wanted me to drink
they wanted me with them

I am lonely enough to like that alot. they wanted me along for the drunken misadventured, they wanted to give me free booze, that is right my friends, free booze.

I'm not sure who to think about, my mind is jumping in a state of confusion. what do i want, who do i want.

will this summer be a wasteland without affection?

i smell like too many brands of cigarettes, i smell like my grandfathers pipe
i meant to write a poem with that last statement the other day, but i never did.
i am just eternally drifting from one cloud of smoke to another, from cloud to cloud so that i may be numb and safe, completely free of anything.

i hate that this wont be posted now. damn diaryland for pulling a livejournal on me and being down . . . . grrrrr
the keys are strangely disconnected from my fingers and i sometimes have to stop mid-word inorder to remember where a key is.
i want to call someone, who will i call, who di want
want
want
want
want
want
want
it becomes a pattern, typing that, and thinking and feeling that. i want to want something more than anything.
that is confusing me. . . . alot
i am alone and drunken, not wuite drunken, a bit tipsy, enough that i lose my balance a bit, but my balance is always the first thing to go. . . .
but whatever i am ,i am alone.
i dont think i like this
escape
escape
abandoning something, what is it that i want to leave behind so badly?

--------------------------------------------

sunday 4:38 AM
so Diaryland is not all fixed yet it seems. I cannot update my diary or see it, or my notes or my profile

andi need to write, i need to type things
so i am

my lips are turning black.
in the place where lip ends and your gums begin, there is that strange line, the one you can feel your teeth flick past when you are biting your lip. right there . . . it is turning black
the cause of this i cannot quite pinpoint. i discovered it after a night of drinking, actually while stilld runk, and that is rather vexing to the unsober mind. I scraped at it till it was gone and i was satisfied. when looking in the mirror roday i saw the crust of black along that line again.
is it dirt? alcohol? sickness?
cigarettes
could tar be building up along my lip staking its claim apon my respiratory system from the outside.
a mark at the entrance "beware all who enter here"

cause no one wants to get inside me

what do i want, what do i want, good god, what do i want.

around 3 something i left Jordan's room thinking i would go to sleep. it is now nearly 5. i wandered about, tried on clothes for my costume for the play, i got out my beads and actually made a prop for the play: my wedding ring. not mine, Harper's the character's. I was going to make the ring for Jordan, for his character, Joe, but it occured to me that i had no idea what ring size he is and that it would, essentially be a stab in the dark.

I took pills today, clodapen. i felt light and airy, movement was so easy, everything came so easily and crefree, like living in a bubble. . . it was precision that was difficult.
I accidentally feel asleep while on them, i dont remember doing it, i was laying on my bed writing about how it felt (to remember it, i am playing a valium addict and i need to understand that feeling) and working on some other characterization then suddenly i woke up and it was 10 pm. I suppose i slept through th ebest part most like, but even so, that feeling, god i cant quite describe it, i hope i can manage to act it on stage. when i read through the script with jordan, while still somewhat effected i really was on, dead on. it felt right, things about harper made sense to me that hadnot before.

i feel the sinking edges of being tired.

-----------------------------------------

Sunday, 5:30 am
I am still awake. I think i will go to bed as soon as this bobdylan song i am downloading finishes
oops it just did
well i will go to sleep once i am done listening to it
i swear.

I wonder if i will be dead tomorrow

-----------------------------------------
5:50
still not asleep, bob dylan is awesome
i have this bruise on my knee, i have spent mos tof ht eday trying to figure out wher ei got it from, i only jsut now remembered. yesterday in harold and jordans room i was sitting bakwards on a chair, you know stradling it, lik ei often do and i leaned forward to far and fell, hard, onto the linoleum.
i mainly remember my thighs hurting from lsamming into the chair, but surely me knee mus thave taken some of the blow too
its nice to know where it came from, too many of my bumps and bruises and scrapes and cuts ar eof unkown origins
i really will sleep soon, i swear . . . i am just looking up gift ideas for a friend right now

-----------------------------------------------------------
sunday . . . still
it is 6 am, i am trying to figure out how much longer it is till the sun rises, because if it isnt much longer i will just stay up till sunrise, i havent done that in a very very long time. . . . im not sure i have doen taht ever, i have been awake for it, but i dont think i have watched it.
just looking at the sky now it is starting to look a bit blue instead of that thick black.
it is supposed to rise at 6:23 . . . . i think i can stay up another 23 minutes

-------------------------------------

I lied wheni said i would go to sleep, my finger are cold and difficult to move
i was just outside for 45 minutes, i watched the sunrise from on top of the parking deck. i was going to take pictures but when i got there i discovered the batteries in my digital cmera are dead.
so i called my room, whichi knew was empty and i left myself messages on my voicemail, message after message after message
i described it, in detail
perhaps i will find away to record the messages into an mp3 and keep them, post them somewhere, or at least record the transcripts.
this was beautiful
im not sure if iw ant to go to sleep.
i dont feel particularly tired
perhaps a nap, so i wont get tired later, but this day, this day looks like it will be too beatiful for me to elt myself sleep through it.

------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday at 2:00 pm
i was right, today is too beautiful.
(my diary is in the cue to be regenerated so i should be able to post this before the end of the day with any luck)
i have to do my roomate a favor in about 30 minutes but then, then my day will be right
i am going to pack two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, one will be with grape jelly, one will be with strawberry.
I am going to pack up all the work i have to do, my japanese homeowrk, stuff for the play, my writing notebook to work on my new short story, i will bring my ipod.
then i will go to the tree. this beautiful tree infront of the petty building, you can crawl inside of it and sit on teh branches without even having to climb, they are so low.
once i am settled there i willc all jordan, i will ask him if his computers speakers hook up through a headphone jacck, and ask him if he has any work to do, and if htat work can be done without a computer
then tell him i know the most wonderful spot in the world, come to it with me.
he won't want to come, it is outdoors, so i am sure he wont want to. but there is a 1 percent chance he will, and it will be nice to spend the msot eprfect day, in the most perfect place with my best friend.

the world is getting better. I have sunglasses that are tinted yellow, like the rays of the sun when they blur in your eyes.

-----------------------------
Still sunday, 11:39 pm

PS: It's gone, he is like a friend now, just the physical lines of affection are blurred, lots of people have friends like that and i think we both need someone we are not afraid to touch. But i dont want to date him, i dont want to be involved with him, i want to kiss him because my lips are lonely, not because of him.

PPS: the tree was the most fantastic place on the earth, we carved profound things into the branches with our keys. i want to live there forever.