So i promised myself i would go to bed by midnight, which i then downgraded two 1 am
it is 2:23

so why did i stay up

the tall lanky younge gentleman and i were exchange rather fantastic backrubs and talking about things as we did it, though it is hard to hold up your end of the conversation when someone is turning oyu into putty in their hands
as i finally left the room . . . .

i was going to attempt a recreation of the cheek kiss. he turned and ruined it, though unbeknownst to him, then in a sarcastic but obviously sincere moment i said to him that he had ruined it, i had intended to give him another kiss on the cheek but he totally mis-staged the moment, and jokingly said that he better be careful, if he keeps this up i will start using my lips on more easily accessible cheeks. those of others
it was an akward joke, i know, a stupid one, though considering the sense of humor we have around eachother it wasnt totally innappropriate.

i said good night, began to leave
i opened the door again, i wanted to tell him, in case you didnt notice, i --

i opened the door, he saw me and then i said never mind, closed the door, opened it again, asked if he wanted me to turn out the light . . .

i should have said something. i should have said anything.

i kicked myself the whole way to the elevator.

part of me is on this high, from flirting and deep conversations and backrubs

part of me is wrapped in self-hatred