"It seems to me that there are more hearts
broken in the world that cant't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

Alone again, naturally"

I always knew that song sort of, in the back of my head. Just one of those universal standards.
There is this great scene in the Virgin Suicides with that song in it. I just never realized how really depressing and sad it is.

"Within a little while from now
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promise myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower
And climbing to the top will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to who
Ever what it's like when you're shattered
Left standing in the lurch by the church
Where people saying: "My God, that's tough
She's tored him up"
No point in us remaining
You may as well go home
Cause I did on my own
Alone again, naturally"

I mean It sound so slaid back about being lonely that jumping off a building just never seemed to me to be in the same category. I just never knew all the lyrics, let alone those lyrics.
I went to the song thinking it would hold the appropriate feelings for how I felt last night.

Lonely, isolated, unnecessary.

A feeling that has been cropping up all too often in me.
I need a best friend. Someone who needs me just as mucch as I need them. Who needs to confide me and i do them
not an Amy who I could probably tell anythng to and receive a calm and understanding and compassionate ear, but never be needed by her or confided in by her.
Not a Jeniffer who could confess all her problems to me, but I could never explain wha ti thoguht and felt to.
Not a Jordan, or a Harold, who I could stay up with till dawn but never say a deep word, or say what I feel.
that has been my overriding problem for years now, no real confidant. ever since "her" (who I havent mentioned here in what seems like a year or more) I havent been capable of forming that bond. giving up that much trust or receiving that much.
Im too closed off, only a select few can squeeze their way in through my cracks.
I had some tries at those 'best-friend' things ocassionally in the past 8 years, none of them seem to have worked.

this sucks