I had a dream about you, where things happened just the way i always wanted them to.
You were a bit sweeter, a bit more obvious
and you held my hand
thats it, that is al i can recall of you
as it often goes in my dreams i began to loose my sight, things became blurry and i tried so very hard to look at you but i could not. I could see nothign but i could still fell you and your warmth, my feeting moving and my heart ebating, the warmth fo your hand and our fingers intterlaced.
I had a dream about holding hands, how utterly absurd, how middle school.

It was pure though, and innocent and sweet and utterly nerve-wracking. A nice contrast to how my day had gone.

Yesterday was full of arguments, and me being stupid, and trying to explain myself when i could not.
I was so looking forward to going somewhere in which i would not feel alone anymore, only to find that i am still quite alone.

my dreams are all screwed up now, I lost my necklace. I know it sounds silly, but it comforts me, ir protects me, it makes things so much more clear. More than likely the effect that 'charm' has on me is more because of the significance i attach to it rather than any actual power it has. But regardless, i feel lost and confused and off-center.

and in my dreams i can't see you, or anything.

I'm going blind

I feel like Chas right now, All i seem to be able to think about is love and romance. All my thoughts lead back to it, all my poetry is about it.

All this progress I talk about making, all these changes i keep saying i have made in myself and my life. . . . they aren't real.

I looked back at my old entries in here, the second one, which is the first real entry made me realize i am just the same as i was.

I feel bad about myself i am envious of everything. I long for beauty, in myself and my life. I am so afraid of basic interaction. I watch. I look around me at things i want to be or see or taste or touch or talk to . . . and i do nothing. Occassionally i delude myself, convince myself i will take action, but it doesnt happen.
All the friends i have are accidental, for the most part they approached me and i didnt chase them off. A few of them were forced apon me and maybe one (i can only think of one) i actually approached myself. It takes me an enormous amount of effort and persuasion to pick up the phone and ask a friend if they want to go downstairs and smoke, or watch a movie.

I am starting to wonder if change is really possible, if people can actually change, and more specifically if i can actually change.

i just sit back and watch the world go by, occassionally the current picks me up, or a wave lifts me off the sand . . . but i never swim.