god i hate birthdays
i despise them, loathe them, i want to abolish them completely

my whole life my birthday has only served as a means of making me feel horrible. Of making me feel lonely and as if i have no real friends
and i must wonder if it is true

It is maddenning to be asked on the day of my birthday what it is that i want, when i have only been talking about my birthday for the past month. To hear, i dont know what to get you so i'll buy you a couple acks of cigarettes, or i'll just give you money
i expect my family to give me money or empty gifts, because they dont know me, but my friends they know me, . . . or at least i thought they did.

but more than half of them are completely avoiding anything birthdya related, havent wished me happy birthdya and are constantly pushing off anything vaguely resembling a celebration.

and everyone missed my play
i suppose that shoved me straight to the heart of the matter. The first play i directed here, i was so excited about it, i reminded them every day of the place and time . . . . and none of them came, it was a free show for christ's sake!

eveyron eleft on my birthday weekend, except for two friends who gave me gifts and hung out with me and made out on my roommates bed as if i were not there the entire time.
i have had so many attempts at birthday parties when i was younger where a mere fraction of the guest list showed up, and they came without even a card or a 'happy birthday' when i turned 18 everyone forgot and no one would celebrate with me

presents arent even important, hell just celebrate with me, or at least say happy birthday . . . something anthing . . .
I have watched so many of my friends have fantastic brithdays where we all bought them or made them really meningful and appropriate gifts, where we celebrated and were happy and said happy birthday and that person felt loved
and i never get that, never.
i just want one good birthday. one

one