a touch of remorse is here

and anger and sadness
and somehow hope

the fear that things that cannot go back to how they were, that they will change for the worse
that perhaps they will change for

the better

i cant besure except that i hate what happened
hate that it happened
and cant help but realize that i desperately wanted it to happen

that i had been contemplating saying it but all my reason and inhibitions had told me no, over and over again
then my inhibitions conveniently fled over too many smirnoff's and a few shots of vodka

phone calls were made
regrets were made

and after going on about how awful it was that that i had let things out
i had a few more shots dangling before me, i think of tequila or maybe rum

then later a bucket, which i propelled the cotnents of my stomache into
for the first time ever since i discovered alcohol, and had at most 8 inidents of such indulgence

no one held back my hair, no one asked if i was ok
in the morning no one helped me clean up
no one asked me what happened

i have been debating making an apologetic phone call
debating pretending it didnt happen

i cant decide what to do or say or how to act
and i still feel it
still think about it

how ridiculous! it was my birthday wish

this isnt the sort of thing i do normally, not the sort of thing not the sort of person

i feel a bit sick
again