(hey look everyone the iamges are back on my diary! hurray!)

I dont know why i am crying so much.

sometiems i will feelmy eyes well up for no reason, and when i blink a few times my vision is filled with the blur of salt water.I can feel iti coming, this strange pressure that travle sup my throw through my mouth along the side of my nose and thenpools in my eyes.and if i dont let it out it piles and buildsto my hairline, it being sot burn and boil and i cannot take it anymore

my head explodes like a furnace, all this emotiona strewn about, fleeing its organized stacks and piles

it doesnt take much anymore, a sad song, trying to recall a memory that isnt as clear as i want it to be, rereading old letters or emails that i know will upset me. . . .

I second guess myself, every second i am alive. My whole life has been filled with this unexplainable guilt. that everything i do is wrong every step i make could have been better, every word i said wasnt good enough

i try to hide behind this non-chalant exterior, i tried so hard to seem like i dont care that sometimems i actually beleive it. but no matter wha ti do i am constantly afraid

afraid that i wil never hear from him again, afraid i will be fired, that they dont respect my authority, that im not talented, that they jsut praise me to be kind.

and somehow when the guilt pushes to the surface and water fills me eyes the shivers of emotion that were once pleasant only bring more pain.

the andrenalin of an exciting memory doesnt make my heart pound it makes my stomache ache and churn. the inner peace of meditation turns into the constant ache of guilt and i dwell on negative thoughts

while driving to raleigh i was merging onto the interstate and i was on this small bridge and every once of my body wanted to drive off the side, i wanted it i yearned for it . . . i did all i could to resist it

then i hated myself for thinking it, for wanting it. I reminded myself ho wi was suppossed to be fixed of these problems, how i hadnt needed anyone elses help . . yet i have these thoguths so often

so now i think, i havent fixed myself that all the pr0oblems i was so sure i had eliminated are still there alive and strong, that i tricked msyelf and all the people worried about me. what kind of jerk i must be, what kind of awful horrible person would do this, what persomn has these thoguths, with their best firen din the car with themno less, who would want to be near anyone who wanted to purposefully kill themselves and anyone in their path because of some fleeitng thought

but it isnt fleeting

ah yes there is that guilt again . . . welling up in me, this time form my heart to my throatand i can feel an ache form teh pressure in my collar bone

im tired of this i hate this

what is wrong with me

heh, well that is the question of the day, of the month, of the past 18 years.

I think, that what i hate most of all about myself is the small tiny part of me, that wont let me drive my car off the bridge.