It is practicality you see that is my downfall and my saving grace.
the reason why i am not with soemone i love, the reason i defaced
myself
with scars and poor decisions that lead
to me being unhappy but somehow blissfully safe and secure
in my own private world 
of rationality and woe
      blood and blankets
           blades and handcuffs
wiht prison bars to keep me in
arrested by myself and held in contempt for my own protection
the right to shut up  
                   or something like 
that?
It isnt easy for me, but i can do no else
or so i think
so i love to beleive
because it is so easy, simple, practical
safe and even convenient
for me to leave with bumpers in the gutter
       (like they have at the bowling lanes for children
this balloons the shape of hte gutters
to keep the ball in th elane)
so ten pounders can just bounce on past and make
the game all the easier
no challenge, no thrill
or perhaps there is. the thrill of success
with limitations and borders
practical and adult, mature
kind to myself
          oh who am i kidding?
safe and afraid, the way that i live
becuase my rebellions are
televised
monitored and edited to fit your screen
to fit one's understanding
to fit my own
becuase what i fear most is being a part of 
something 
beyond
my own        feeble     understanding