tell me if its moral that i love you

that i love you with all of me but since i cannot have you i pursue someone else.

is it right for me to be so human, to want nothing more than the purity fo your warmth and love, to hold you, be held by you, to kiss you, make love to you. . . .

all of that and i am spending my hours with someone else's arm around me, pursuing his, far more attainable caress, the more fesible and the more available.

im taking the easy route to warmth and affection. . .

becaus ethat is what i want right?

I tried to interpret this dream of mine, its hard for me to interpret my own dreams , other's i can deal with by my own i jsut cant understand, so i resorted to looking in my dream books, the only clear answer i got from them was that i was sex starved. . . . well im not aguing there

byt while i dont think that is what my dream really meant, the damned book has a point. Until a few weeks ago i couldnt remember the last tim ei had been touched, no real human cotnact . . . . i am starved for physical affection . . . is it wrong of me to pursue it?

it feels . . . strange. strange, but right at th etime, because when im not thinking, when i am living it and feeling a closeness i have missed for more than a year now . . it feels good, it feels right . . . but then, when i think, i feel guilt . . . because i am using someone which reall i am not, i am ot using him, there are no false pretenses incolved . . . . i just feel like i am cheating myself, but at the sme time this is what i want . . . there is jsut something else i want more . . someone else.

is it immoral of me to love you

and to find warmth in someone else?

I wrote a poem about it a week ago, rationalizing it to myself i read a mere hour ago and relaized how jadedi sounded in it, how sad, how . . . inteligent, logical.

my instinct, being who and what i am is to pine after whati can thave and make mysel fmiserable, to pu tmy life on hold for a year or more till the impossible become spossible . . . but for the sake of my own happiness a part of me makes me live, makes me function make sme laugh and flirt and stare and think about someone else.

its a survival technique . . .

but is it moral is the question i keep asking myself

tell me, should i feel guilt for this, for telling no one i love you . . . becuase it would make things even more complicated . . . telling no one i love you ebcause i dont want to have to explain the resolution we made to not try again what we know woudl fail as it did before, and explain how we both were decided that we couldnt pine in vain and would move on with our lives and emotions til we could go back to that.

go back

its like my life is happeneing otu of order, and in the least convenient order possible to add to that

will i feel this guilt for all the next year? this slight twinge, this slight pining. . . .is it just as bad as the hopeless misery we had before . . . .

is it moral?