my uncel being the crasy one, the one who is paraplegic and in a wheelchair and is ike stephen hawking but bigger and stupider and can talk .. . . . ok nothing like stephen hawking, the one who made thanksgiving memorable, the one who tried to fly a kite byt tying it to his wheel chair and going as fast as he could .. . .which really busted up the kite on some asphalt. The uncle who told us ll he had a brain tumor and was gonna die when it was jsut his sinuses, the uncle who wrote horrible poetry but loved doing it . . . .he gav me his old htesaurus for christmas . . . he wrapped it in tin foil, because well, that i sjsut what he would do . . . and it meant alot to me, makes me wanan cry now, he got me into movies for free and he scared the old people at his nursing home

everyone keeps saying he is running in heaven now, that he can move an djump and run an dkick ass again . . . . that means nothing to me . . . all it doe sis make dad cry more when he repeats it and all it does is make me fum eat th eidiocy of everyone who thinks that even makes sense or even helps anyone

(21:00:43) Superball25: what's up?

(21:02:08) miserychik37: sigh . . . . spent most of the day with faimly . . . . i just cant stand the social obligations and rules of this, i cant cry in a room full of other people crying, i cant talk about him over and over and lsiten to the same nostaligic stories over and over . . . .

(21:02:52) Superball25: oh

(21:03:57) miserychik37: had to go to church this morning . . . . . i fucking swear if one more person tells me he is in heaven with his legs back i am gonna fucking kill them

so . . . i suppose i should say how he died

my uncle had a tracheatomy (sp?) when he was in the er aftr the accident that paralyzed him, since his most recent hospitl dilemma his trach has had tohave been suctioned every four hours or so to keep phlegm and saliva and stuff form cloging his throat. . . . he went missing friday night, he had gone out to he movies, signed himself out of hte nursing home and when he was back around 10 the called my grandparents saying he was missing (tha tmay seem late for them to start to worry but my uncle would stay out late and often hide form the nurses) they searched all night, my grandfather and uncle and father, i even looked abit myself when i got off work and mum told m ewhen i calle dhome, the next morning they continued the search and onc ehe had been missing for 12 hours the police could help and they found him quickly, in a wooded area off a main road, . . apparently it was a place where htey used to party back in highschool, but my dad had never been there, jsut brad and some of his friends. he had gotten stuck in the sand, hell he thougth his wheelchair was a dune buggy, but he was stuck, and because of his tracheatomy he couldnt speka loudly, let alone scream for help, there was ahorn on his wheelchair and it may have bene lou dbut he was so far away from any people, so far from abyone who woul dhear him over traffic . . . . when they found him, ants were crawling on his body . . . i jsut cant get hte image out of my head, of all these ants . . . all over him. I havent gotten confirmation of it but we are all very sure that he died because he had gone too long without suction . . basically he suffocated on his own phelgm . . . .

(21:08:14) miserychik37: had to go buy funeral clothes . . . with all the fucking blakc i had i didnt have a goddam thing that was suitable for it, io know uncle brad wouldnt give a shit if i showed up naked, let alone in the appropriate attire, they are gonna have him wearing a suit and tie, he wouldnt have worn a tie if you held a gun to his head, dammit. . . . .

(21:11:21) miserychik37: im sorry . . . . i shouldnt be dumping all this off on you

(21:11:29) Superball25: well what can you do...if you make a fuss aboot it you're left just with feelign bad, the only thing you can do is not let it get to you so much...sorry just my two cents

(21:11:37) Superball25: hey that's what friends are for

(21:11:42) Superball25: dump away

(21:11:44) miserychik37: heh

(21:12:46) miserychik37: im not about to make a fuss over it, im keeping my mouth shut an dhiding away in corners an donkly coming put when mum makes me so that relatives i didnt even know i had can hug me and make me uncomfortable and be amazed at hos much ive grown and treat me like a dumbass and ridicule my choice of colleges and talk about how hwne i was born i had "a head that was perfectly round . . like a baseball!"

the house ahs been crazy ever since, my father is a wreck, my whole family is in shambles and i cant get away from it . . . .

(21:16:34) miserychik37: this one bitch was telling me how awful my choice of college was and that if i felt some strange need to get an education befor ei settled down and started popping out babies i should jsut go to ftcc

(21:17:03) Superball25: was the bitch related to you?

(21:17:53) Superball25: or a very close friend of the family's?

(21:18:19) miserychik37: i dont know, there were close to 25 or 30 people crammed in my grandmothers house, i didnt recognize more than half and even less than tht did i know th ename of

(21:19:51) Superball25: well then when you're in situation like that just do what I do say fuck'em. Be polite on the outside and on the inside just ignore them and don't let the shit spilling out of their mouths get to you

(21:20:35) Superball25: when I said don't make a fuss I didn't mean vocally I meant with yourself, don't make it harder on yourself than it is

(21:20:40) miserychik37: i know as i sia di havent been saying a fucking word

(21:20:59) miserychik37: im not making it harder on msyelf . . . . i jsut need to vent, all the little things gotta ge tout before they swell and blow up

(21:21:11) Superball25: well go ahead

so, uhm i havent gotten around to mailing that letter chas . . .

please, come back soon

(21:21:19) miserychik37: hell my dad jsut cmae in here and asked me if i thought brad was gonna go to heavne, i told him i was sure of it . . . .I DONT FUCKING BELEIVE IN HEAVEN

(21:32:38) miserychik37: but what was i supposed to say to him?

(21:32:53) Superball25: I don't know

~kati