ive wanted to cry all day

i have slipped back into a depressed mode, and i cant get out, im trying like hell, ive been trying for a few days now but it isnt working,i cant get out of it, im stuck in sadness, i cant escape it, i cant escape anything and i cant escape msyelf

i wanna blame my father for how im feeling, for setting off the depression with his yelling, for giving me some damned manic depressive gene but i cant, i cant blame him, i dont know why even, if i were anyone else i could easily blame him, but no, i cant, i have to try to be so fucking fiar abotu everything

shit imc rying

ive been holding back all day and no wim crying, sobbing even, and i dont want to, i want to be strong, i want to be happy

happy, god i miss happy, i was in bliss earlier this week, every since saturday night iw as riding on an emotional high

i got sober so fast though

i hate this i hate me

i hate being fat and ugly

we took headshots for theatre class, and i saw mine today, i looked so fat so disgusting, gigantic, like a beached whale gagging for air, for life.

im disgusting, i hat me

i hate eating and i hate living, i hate being fat and ugly and stupid

i havent got a chance in the world

i ahte falling for people who i havnt got a chance with . . . thats everyone

i hate falling for anyone

this sUCKS

life fucking sucks

i want to be happy, why cant i be hapy again, why cant i go back and make saturday ngiht ahppen all voer again, why cant i go back and erase dad's anger

why cant i go back and crawl inside my motehrs womb and jsut never come back, why cant i go back and jsut stop my own conception, make it as though i was never born

i cut myself last week, right after i did an entry in here about my old scars, i just couldnt help it and i did a few slashes on my arm . . to [rove . . . to prove to msyelf that i could still do that if i wanted, that it was still an option, that i didnt quit out of weakness, to tell myself that i was strong and that pain was nothign to me

hell pain is everything tome

thats all i understand, im too much of a dolt to comprehend and hold onto anything good and happy and loving

i ahte me some nights

every night

im too fat, just ugly, disgusting, what the hell am i suppsoed to be any way?

why cant i be something else? why am i like this? why cant i change no matter how hard it ry, i try starving msyelf, exrcising to exhaustion nothing happens, NOTHING

i feel nothing, i feel nothing at all

i am so close to cutting off again, god i dont know why i ever let myself go back to feeling a few years ago . . . . why when everythign jsut goes back to be ing the same again! why bother when i can feel and understand is pain, why

why am i so ugly

why cant i matter?

why . . .