i hate this, this way my brain works. this way i can think about is one thing, that runs through the back of my mind over and over and over again. BEcause that is all i can think abotu and all iw ant to think about,.

think think think

like a hamster in the wheel goign through the same thing and somehow enevr getting broed with it

but i am bored wiht it, i dotn want my whoel life to revolve aroudn that, i dotn want all my thoguths to revolve around oen thing, one event, oneperson

it sucks

the way ic ant control my mind at all, the way i cant figure msyelf or anything around me out.

the way . . .

the way my toguths wont complete themselves. because i want top think otuside of it and my body, my eyes my heart wotn let me. my heart, that damend organ that contineus to beat incessantly, much to my dismay. I tell it to stop, to stop moving stop beating stop pumping life force through me and most of all stop feeling

it doesnt feel why do i think ti fools, my heart is not alive on its own it doesnt udnerstand it jsut works until it stops. so these emotions that ownt stop come forms oemwhere else

i don tknow where, so i blame my heart

that damend innocent blameless guiltess msucle, disgusting as it may be i blame it for everything

its disugsting to look at, diagrams in bio dont do the horror jsutices, it is covered in juices and blood and enzymes, surrounded by fat and fluids. these disgusting things that no one lieks to think about

isntead we cut them out of construction paper and hand them to an unsuspecting someone, who think sit is sweet and doesnt know that it is a disguise, a disguise for a beating, pulsing organ that wont stop and wont go away

i carry them all around inside me

all the ones who i have obsessed over, my heart amde a copy of them, miniature souls float in my blood streams and go through my heart, small chases and adriennes and chrises and Seans and Adams and anyone, anyone else i have ever flet for, had running through my ehad and thought i did, wanted to, or did love.

damn them all

damn the way the tok over my mind and damn them for the way they let the pattern continue, the pattern of thought

obnsessions in my blood dtream imprinted on a flailing panicking muscle

damn me for being this way