last night may have been the single most wonderful night of my life, and somehow afterwad i felt so sd.

It ws valentine's day, yes i had to continually remind msyelf of that (not that the rest of the world wasnt doing a good enough job of it) and somehow i didnt care at all that it was. I . . . for some reason didn't care that i was a single gilr on valentines. I've never cared much, i dont hold much merit to the day, but the masive amounts of coupes suddenly being. .. coupley (for lack of a better word) for once did not depress me, every other time it has.

All i could think about all day was that i wa performing that night, all i could think all i could say, as i changed classes and went on a field trip and made als tmintue changes to save my group's spanish project . . . still all i could think of was my performance that night.

o i got home from school and i realized that i had mear hours to go . . so i went to the theatre and realized i had mintues, i was so scared and so happy. and everyone was so kind nd so supportive. I have aid it before and will sya it again, the people at the Stage door are th emost wonderful i have ever met.

I performed. I performed well

people laughed can you ebelvie it? peopel laughed and it was because i did oemthing funny. I did . . .

i drove hom still quoting lines form the show and i dropped off adrienne and somehow i managed in the few minute ffrom her hosue to mine, that as i drove . . . . i became so very sad. So very lonely . . no not lonely.

i jus trealized . . i realized that it would be a long long time until i flet that good again.

So i became sad, not because of my idiotic attraction to one of thefellow performers (who had no interest in me it seems) not because my best friends girlfriend seems to royally hate my guts, nt because ims truggling in school, not because my brother is leaving early, not becaue my father has been so cruel lately.

I became sad becuase. . . . im suddenly not even sure. no reason seems to follow my emotions anymore. It was so much easier when i mocked myself and fabricated reasons for entirely random motions

so las tnight, after the best moment of my life, i felt so sad, so lost. So alone. Not alone and looking for romantic, I was alone because i was so seprate from the rest of the world. no not because i was, ebcause i am.

Why must every moment of joy in my life be followed by the bitterness. . .

I wait in teh darkness, surrounded by nothing and embraced by a void and pretend i am otherwisei am tired ofpretending, but if i stop i think i will die .. . .

so i holdon to these few moments that are dazzling, moments of ambience and light.

I auditioned for my first play inhopes tha ti would get a part so i could have an obligation so that i would have an excuse not to kill myself . . . . it may have been the best thing i ever did.