i dont like to write entries like actual diaries, i tend to be more artistic for those of u whor ed me regularly, but i just need to geth this out.

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I hav been listening to techno alot the past few days, i like how it feels to drown in a beat and forget things, to feel the fast pace become nearly hypnotice, and it is a wonderufl way to make myself forget things.

Lif3e is not great.

it isnt as though it was before, in fact this isnt a particularly low point in my life. But I am saying this honestly and sincerely, and somehow i havent said it sincerely in a long time:

my life sucks. It does and i am not jsut being self centered and whiny, it really does suck.

My grandparents were here last saturday and the whole situation made me realize how much i had changed. They were offending me so deeply, without even realizing it. They started talking about how unreasonable the people who were anti-war are. They couldn;t beleive the idea of trying osama in a normal court. . . . I am probably one of the few people whio doesnt want that man dead. I dont beleive in the death penlaty. Thent hey stared talking about reincarnation and how silly it was, i beleive in it, i even have a few traces of memories form my past life, and they sat there and talked about how silly it was. They sat there and insulted my beleifs. Then, oh god, then they started talking about my cousin (whom i shallr efer to as N) N came out of the closet a few months ago and my grandmother isnt handling it well,s he hopes that N will come back to her senses, she talks as though ebing a lesbian is temporary insanity. She expects N to wak up one day, look at her girlfriend and relize that what she relaly wants is a man. The woman is bloody fucking insane! She wont even refer to N's girlfriend as that, she call s her N's domestic partner. She is in some strange sort of denial.

They dont know me, none of my family knows me . . I love them ., . .. i think i do, i shoul, i have to . . i must . . . .

I lied to my mother last week, my brother finally told my mom that he was gay, we all had a big emotional discussion and she asked me if i was straight (to get all of her surprises out opf the way) and . . . I lied . . I told her i was straight, ,i todl my friends i said i liked men but that was a rather witty little lie, what i HSOULD have said in hindsight . . . i lied. She even asked me straightforward later if i was bi, because i seem to be of the opinion that bi is ok. and I lied again . . . .

I cant be true to myself

I always make things worse on myself, i care too much about other people, when my friends are pain i fell it too, ,they dont think i understand. but i do, it is like i put myself in them and it hurts me jsut as though i were the person. one of my closest friends has gone deeper into her self abuse. and it hruts me, because i am afraid that one day i will wake up and she wont be at the bust stop, she wont come to school, and when i finally call to see what is going on ,. , , she wil be dead. The chances are far higher than i would like to beleive, and i dont know what i would do without her. I cant tell her to stop abusing, she needs it and i understand that. Not only would telling her to stop be hypocritical of me, seeing as i abuse too, but it would be shtupid and it wouldnt work and i dont want to get rid of her coping mechanism, i know i wouldnt know what to do with myself without burning. and I dont care weather or not she stops, but every so often i feel a twinge of fear and i know it is self centered too, because I am thinking og what i would do without her, not of her. and i aht ethat about msyelf.

i dont even know the point of what i am writing

i want to help people, all my friends in pain and the fact that i cant help makes me feel worse

i am rambling now, perhaps i shalls top