what was my first word?

My parents dont remember, how sad. It never bothered me before, but now it brings me down and the more i think about it the worse I feel. They can't remember.

Why not?

Do they not care enough to remember? When I ask they say, "Oh, i dont remember, it was something normal, like Momma or Dadda, dont worry about it."

Look mom, I'm worrying.

Do I not matter enough, it seems like every parent wants to document everything about their child. But no, not mine. I can't remember then ever talking about my first step either.

Perhaps I wasn't the interesting child. My brother's first word was cookie, if i had known i had to live up to that at first perhaps I would have said something more interesting. . . I had to follow cookie.

Always, always the expectations were too high. And no one ever warned me about them until after I didnt live up to them.

I didnt know my first word had to be memorable. I didnt know that I had to be jsut as good as my brother. I didn;t know that my grades had to be jsut as good as my mother's grades when she was young. I didnt know i could never get in trouble. I didnt know i wasnt allowed to cuss. I didnt know that i was supposed to like only men. I didn't know that i should be special but not diffrent from them.

Why didnt anyone tell me?

I could have been teh kid they wanted, if only i had known in time what they wanted. I want to be loved, ,honestly I do. No matter what they say, i do want love like anyone else. Why couldn't they tell me what to do to be loved.

I could be memorable . . .

I could matter couldnt i?