I hate feeling like this.

I dont understand why i have had an obsession sense child hood with mornalcy. Lik emany I know i went through a 'preppy' phase, ,where i tried desperately to belong, to be popular, to be accepted for who and what i was. That is a contradiction in terms.

I was stupid to think that I could be accepted fro who i was and be popular, it doesnt work like that. A person is either true to themselves or what everyone else wants them to be. I couldnt be both. No one can be both.

I have realized that for some time I will never be what everyone considers normal. I'm wierd, Im odd, I am a freak. I have been trying for some time to accept myself for who I am, i thought i had been successful, now i do not know. Because now I am sitting here and asking "why me?" all voer again. I dont want to be special. I dont want to be caught up in some grand plan. I just want to lead a tiny little lilfe, to write stories and poems that depress people and let that be that.

I can't.

It isnt fair to me that I have to have this life. I jsut want to blend into the background sometimes. A contradiction, i know. I have often said I would rather be known for the worst parts of myself than blend into the background . . . but now, now i dont feel tht way. I want so much to go back to my ignorance. To accept all the things I have been told and live blindly.

Ignorance is bliss.

I dont know what it is about me. I have ideas buit those are all to ridiculous, just my own over-inflated ego getting to me. I always either think to greatly of myself or too litte. I am different yes, but surely it cannot be that different.

Everything has a reason, I beleive that. I always have. But now I have reason to beleive it.

But why me.

I dont know what is going on, and i should, maybe i dont want to know what is going on. Im hiding things from myself again. I dont want to beleive what i think is happening.

how could she have come up with that conclusion not even knowing what was going on?