I'm not a claustrophobe.

Funny how I have to remind my self of that, in a place where i should feel safe, and have in the past.

The church, the sanctuary, a sacred place supposedly has become another place I wish to escape, because he is there.

Suddenly over night my father became a religious man. Damn terrorists, they didnt think about how this would effect me.

a not to Bin Laden: next time you want to kill millions of innocent americans, check with Kati first, it may cause her life to be more hellish, and we don't want that.

Suddenyl my father felt he needed God, not that he had ever needed him before, ,when his grandfather died, when his friend's have died he didnt need God. But now that an abundance of strangers have died he feels hit close to home. . . man will never understand the workings of my father's moind, and if they could, would they really want to?

Being near him has made me so afraid altely, when he touches me i shake, he has gotten into the habit of stroking my hair as he passes and i think there is little else that is so frightening.

That was at least until church sunday, he kept brushing against me, ,more than likely unintentional, but frightening to me none the less, i began to shrink to the edg of the pew, when we stood (lutherans, like catholics, get up and sit down quite a bit)i felt as though i was hanging out into the isle. I shrank against the edg, i felt so small, i out on my jkacket like a wall between him and me. Not that it was any help, the more i shrank away the more he edged closer. I went up for communion and when i cam back to my seat i seemd to have even less room, if that is even possible.

we went home and I got out of the house as fast as I could, then that night my father struck again.

it was near 10:30 and he suddenly walked into the living room, and began harassing me.

"So Kati is this the time when u normally do your exercises?"

His voice has a tendancy to boom, espescially when he is drunk, which has become quite often.

"Yes dad." I lied, of course I lied, i exercised whenever the hell i felt like it, if the thought came to mind. My paretns had decreed years ago that their chikldren were too fat and that we must exercise. (after all who can trust a girl to try to stay healthy on her own.

"Do you expect me to beleive that?"

"what?"

"You've been dieting?"

"yes dad, im trying"

"well then SOMETHING must not be working!"

I didnt say anymore to him, and if i did I cannot rememebr it, i am not a fat kid, not anymore, i was called pregnant in 3rd grade because i was too chubby, but nobody teases me hardly at all anymore, i almost happy with how I look, but of course that doesnt matter.

Because I mus exercise since my father just ate half a bucket of ice cream, and drank a few too many beers.