my arm is scratched.

damn me for not thinking.

How can I keep making the same mistakes over and over,

"dont raise your voice Kati, ,you know what will happen"

It is silly I should know I should know I should know.

I ran away in tears and into my room and locked myy door. I cryed and cryed rivers flowing otu of my eyes

(how could these massive amounts of water fit inside my aching body?)

No lighter

dear God, no lighter where had I put it?!

what was I to do now, I needed the pain so badly.

Don't think just do

I grab the sharpest thing I can find and dig it, bear it hard and rake it through my skin,

again

again

again

again

I want to die I want to die

across my wrists as if slitting them.

again

again

no blood, damn my weak arms, the math compass is not sharp enough to bleed and I am too weak to force it.

the tearws keep falling and falling and I have not will left to lift my right arm to scar my right again.

finally I run out of tears, my shirt is stained with the old ones. I look down at my left arm, the underside is riddled with deep burning red lines.

It feels so good, so wonderful.

shit, I can see it.

"you idiot Kati, how could you be such a dumbass, how can u hide those how can u hide those?"

just don't let anyone see the underside of your arm that is all.

"and look now there is your lighter Kati, if you had looked for 2 more seconds you could have had your pain with out visibility"

bit God it felt so good.

I can feel myy mind slipping as tears begin to return, I cannot get the pain out of my mind, I cant burn my mind I cannot scratch it.

How did I get like this, the fetal position on my floor, crying, harder now,

The skin on my arm shows stringly the digging,

no blood?

where are my scissors? I want to die and that damn compass isnt sharp enough.

I can feel my mind slipping

frantically searching through desk drawers, they arent eanywhere it seems anywhere

I'm singing "when did that happen?"

It's alright

im ok

i dont need you anyway

its al;right

im ok

i dont need you anyway

the tune is hurting me.

my hands are shaking and I am singing when did this happen.

my mind is going.