So what I am thinkg is that this all means that you really didnt need me or want me in your life at all.
that in reality I was right, you onlt want me around at those certain points. you want to use me as a means to an end and then abandon me again.
because you dont need me. I dealt with that. I dealt with being unneeded and unwanted by you and moved on with life without you and then you show up again and convince me you do need me, that you do miss me. and I am overjoyed and skeptical, but overjoyed, and I try to rebuild that connection.
then you leave again, things change and you suddenly dont need me again and withou twarning I am without you.
It is insane how big a part of my life you are without being in physical reach. it is maddening how important you are to me when we havent talked in a year
i just wished you'd own up to it. admit it.
because wether or not it is intentional yoou use me. over and over again. I am the emotional backboard when you get dumped. Hell when she took you back you didnt even tell me you just stopped talking, and now you're apart again and I am just waiting for another weepy im. I am just waiting. and what hurts so much is that i will care and worry and comfort and advise. because iw ant to, because ic are aboutyou. no matter how much i dont want to everytime you bounce back into my life i care for you furiously. I think about you. I tell people who have never heard of you before that we are talking and friends again.
and then you dissapear and i am fool and i am used.
I haven't stopped needing who you were to me. I can deal without you now though.
I tried to use you like you used me once, it didnt work. I got brushed off, politely, caringly, gentley, but still brushed off.
I want to hate you. I don't I still think of you as a best friend, just one who isnt here anymore. one who fell away. Sometimes it is almost like you died. I talk of you fondly and in past tense and everything is rose-colored.
i cant be there when you need me if you are never there when i need you. except that i can be there. I can do that. and I do, everytime you waltz back in.
I am sick of these boucners. these people that dissapear adn reappear from my life at will. i am sick of it.
bt for all of them i care so much. i love them and want them to be happy and suddenly latch back on like old times when they reappear, and everytime they dissapear i am crushed.
I want to hate them but i cant i cant i try so hard to hate you but it never comes out. i jsut worry about you instead and feel guilty when i shouldnt.