so christmas in less than a week

i get this eerie tight feeling in my chest sometimes, like my muscles dont want to let go

i still sit curled up on couches trying to remember what an arm around me would feel like.

All my mother can seem to talk to me about is how i am fat. She is constantly bringing it up and i cant help but think of all the times she told me i would be just so cute if i lost weight. I am closer to liking myself as i am than i have been in a long time, she sure as hell isnt making it easier.

dad and i had a huge fight and later dad comes up to me and says he is sorry he had to yell at me. thats the thing, "had to" thats like "im sorry you made me hit you" it isnt an apology and you sure as hell arent soryr for anything.

i am so grumpy and boring and lazy and angry here. i hate it.

i dont want to be this

if i am not in greensboro over summer break i realyl dont know what ia m going to do with myself.

i need to be officially and completely moved out of this house. i really truely need it.

i want a cigarette badly. I probably have not smoked more than a pack of cigarettes all semester. i think i smoked 5 when i was out the other day.

im tired. my back hurts

i was having this ideal fantasy of the perfect relationship the other day. lazy afternoons. we werent even talking i was writing on the computer and they started rubbing my back and they didnt look at me strangely when i tried to make romantic surprises.

i am tired so tired

i finally got brave the other day and there was no response. i feel even worse somehow. then today i saw an old letter i read it and cried. because it was all untrue. i am sure that he didnt think he was lying at the time. i am sure he thought it was all true. i am sure he beleived it . i know i did

you cant hate someone, you cant hold it against someone for just changing over time. it is no fault, it is no injustice or crime.
it just is