(so i started this entry earlier today but someone came by so i just hit submit in mid-sentence. Let's try again shall we?)

It has been like a week now, why am I such a chicken shit?

I woke up this morning in a self-deprecating mood. I thought I did great on my exams, apparently I did not.

unatractive
unintelligent
unworldy
untalented

ugly
stupid
naive
hack

I have been going to therapy on campus. I don't know if is helping at all. I go and I talk and I cry. Everytime I cry. He says things to help me, suggestions. I dont feel like much of anything is fixed. I feel like I should walk away from every session with a new lease on life. Only a few times have I gotten excited about a new idea that comes out in therapy.

I feel so tired and disgusting. I could sleep forever now I am sure. My stomache has been hurting in this strange way all day.

I felt like cutting earlier but I went to bed instead.

When I was little my mom would make a chocolate cake for christmas, it was Jesus's birthday cake. My brother and I would blow out the candles on his behalf. I can see the scene with us and the cake so clearly i wish i was a better artist so I could sketch it. The room is dark so the candles can light our faces. the kitchen table is still messy, covered with my father's attempts to assemble Barbie Dreamhouses and Hot Wheels courses, and in ever empy cranny of pace in the room there seems to be a present, or the box it came in, or a wad of wrapping paper. There is a small area that has been shoved aside with the cake on it with 3 candles, my brother and I on either side of it, my father off to the side with my mother holding her camera, trying to capture that percise moment when the candles go out.

It is somewhat strange that this tradition stopped around the same time the last remnants of the santa rituals slipped away. no more cookies, no presents with his name on them as the sender.

I feel lonely and sick
I have little christmas shopping left to do. Just my father.
My dorm room is a mess but all I want to do is sleep so there most likely wont be any work done on that for a while.

I am in such a mood that even those hopeless romantic songs dont get under my skin and mke me yearn.
its so futile.