I went to see Rent last night. We got tickets to a special advance screening. I never thought I would say the words "not a dry eye in the house" and mean them literally.
the girl beside me spent the entire second half of the film sobbing, just audibly, loudly, distractingly sobbing. It was almost humorous. But everyone in the theatre was crying, just most in a public apropriate manner: quiet tears streaming and hte ocassional sniffle.
the thing is i wasn't.

Dont get me wrong it was sad, heart-wrenching stuff. I mean here are 7 characters you get to know intimately, i mean really care about. these people are your family. I generally get wrapped up in films and cry easily too. If I am not careful even the cheesy antics of a lifetime movie can make my cry a bit. So why wasn't I crying with the rest?

I had to push the tears out, so i would fit in, a few forced trickles, trying to make my eyes burn, trying to pull in feelings i had earlier in the day when i felt like crying.
I had to force just a few tears when everyone around me is uncontrollably crying.

sometimes I think I might be dead inside. Jsut completely devoid of emotion. I know I'm not.

I have been shutting down the past few days. almost like a defense mechanism. Sunday everytime anyone touched me I cringed. I wouldn't let friends who i was normally physically close to so much as pat my arm. I am normally only that way with dad.
I am not sure why it is but whenever dad touches me i cringed, my shoulders rise up and i try to curl up in a ball. I don't quite understand the reflex, perhaps it is because i fear his violent streak. maybe it is because for a year in my youth i had that irrational fear that he would rape me. maybe it is just because there is absolutely no bond there.
I talked to my counselor or psychologist or whatever I should call him. . . I was bemoaning the lack of bond between me and Dad. I don't know if it is simple a lack of common ground or apathy or animosity. I just know i dread being alone with him on so many levels. I fret over what to do and say in that seemingly eternal car trip back to hope mills that is filled with unbearably awkward silence. It would be one thing if it was comfortable silence, as if tere was some sort of understanding hanging in the air. but there is nothing at all.
when i go to therapy sessions i just start crying.i can't be in the room for ten minutes without the waterworks starting and i dont even know why. I can't figure it out. I can go in and talk about nothing but the weather for half and hour and have tears pouring down. i dont talk about the weather of course. but when the subject matter doesnt even call for it i start crying. it is something about the environemnt perhaps, or the tone in his voice, or just knowing that i could say anything at all.