tomorrow is the last day of solitude. tomorrow night at 8 i have rehearsal and i join the living breathing world again.

I cut my hair today, i wasnt even planning on it, i just decided to do it. It isnt even relly wha ti had been thinking about doing lately, but it is new and different, not much, but enough that i look in the mirror and feel a little thrill, ther eis something different. i hadnt even realized how long my hair had gotten, there is a good deal of it in the trash right now.

this weekend has not been as healing as i planned. It hasnt been as productive as i had planned either, but oh well.

I have been sleeping in unbearably late. till 2 . . like i did this summer. Earlier today I was wondering why i even bother to put on clothes, why not walk around in my pajamas all day long.

to my surprise, paranoia agent is repeating on adult swim tonight, it made me smile, i havent been up this late while watching tv on a weeknight in a long time.

i feel better, most of this weekend has been sad, i have sat in my room lost in thoughts i can no longer recall . . . i cried quite a bit, i watched sappy and bad movies just to give me that extra push to force the tears out.that touching moment that would normally get only an "aww" out of me let loose a cavalcade of tears.
tomorrow i will do my prompt book for the graduate, make some photocopies, and maybe tidy up a bit, make a rehearsal schedule and be done . . . all is well.
or will be
eventually

Every so often I get on one of these mental decision kicks where i become so very sure that i will suddenly exercise alot and the pounds will drop like mad and then i will be thin and beautiful . . . i know better than that . . . but throughout most of my public school career i said to myself every summer, every break, every winter . . . when i come back i will be so changed that no one will recognize me . . .
it isnt true, it has never been true

i tried to draw a self-portrait today, of what i really look like . . . i dont know what i meant to prove . . i dont know what the point was

all i know is that it is barely an outline, and i kept getting depressed everytime i had to make something bigger or rounder . . . and then i stopped, with all the guidelines unerased and hardly any detail filled in and no face

maybe ill have some chammomille and go to bed
everything will be better . . . eventually i am sure it will