i have had a fairly good semester, i have made new friends and been more social and not been broke all the time.
i am drunk rightnow and writing this and it is damn right that i am
i hope you are having the fucking time of your life you jackass. i hope you are getting your cock blown by one of my good friends and enjpying it and i wish i had thrown up in your toilet and poured more of your alcohol down the sink
i hate myself
i can only hope that the hate i have for you is a bit more. i want to be sober
no i dont
i dont want to be sober enough to think about tonight and fleeing that apartment and the people and things and how angry i am
but i am not angry i am sad

i think for the first time in a while i may cry and i have been wanting and needing to for a while

one of you are trying to message me, i wont answer. good luck getting back to campus for your stupid fucking game.
i wanted to go see you play too

i shouldnt have come back here
i should have slept elsewhere.

i shouldnt have taken down my away message

i shouldnt have come back to the zero tolerance dorm that i work in while i am not sober, you know that if i got caught i could be fired
i want more cigarettes, many more. if i sober up some i will smoke all that i can
maybe i should sleep

they want to know if i am mad
i do not know

i almost brought it on, i encouraged it when i thought it was funny
i want to go to sleep. i want to sleep. i want to not be aware to not know what is going on, i want to be dead just for maybe 24 hours . . . thats all,. just long enough that i can pretend tonight was not real
i feel like shit
i want to sleep, i am too drunk to sleep

what will i do with myself?

i know what i will do
i will most likely put my phone on silent, avoid their calls for a while, in the sober headache-filled morning i will listen to the messages i left on my own answering machine.
what will i say what will i ask

i made a new friend today, though perhaps not under th ebest circumstances

i want to lose weight, get huge tits then lead you on give you blue bsalls then kick you in the face, pour out all your alcohol and leave

i dont know how things can be the same again . . . i dont know what i will say

i dont know if i hate him or myself or what iw ill say or do when i eventually pick up the phone

too fat to date, but otherwise kati . . . the perfect girl
you fucking asshole

i am tempted to resprt to the toolkiit, i dont know

at 2:?08 "hey bloofer lady" i know it is her, not him. . . i know it is a different person the screen name by the greeting, but what the fuuck will i say

at 2:11 "are you mad?"
i dont know if i am . . .no i know that i am, i just dont know who at. or if it is at anyone other than life. fuck you all
is any of this even spelled right
i wish i hadnt met any of you
i wish i had said nothing about eyes like a sea after a storm
i wish i had better friends

i wish i loved and not lonely

i am not hear tonight.
the CA locator board still says i am gone for the nigvht and no matter how loud they get i willpretend not to be here
maybe i willw atch tv

i want to slice everything away, i want to be bones with no connective tissue

at 2:18 "Katie?" you spelled my name wrong
right afterward "kati*" a correction, no salvation
what do i want out of all of this?
what if i throw up tonight?

i want to tell him off, can I? am I capable? when was the last time i told off anyone? the closest i came was giving attitude to that wal-mart greeter on behalf of kayla

they are calling my cellphone
i dont know what they say i dont know if i care or if i want to know

i hurt so much right now, and i dont know if i am justified in feeling any of it
i should have some water, but if i went down the hall my residents would see me, know that i am here . . . being an RA/CA really does mean living in a fishbowl

all i have in my fridge is cherry vanilla doctor pepper, i am drink that, . . . it wont help

i may eat some rbead and go to bed soon
if i feel ok enough to do it

i put my phone on vibrate . . . not silent, i am too much of a glutton for punishment to let myself go completely without knowing they are trying to call.