in about 30 minutes I have to go to crew watch.

I want to cry about last night. I really do.

If it wasnt for you know, those damned standards of beauty in my head from society, I would date you Kati.
=
You know Kati, If you weren't fat I'd date you.

You know, I am sure that has been the thought of several people in my life. I am sure that some of these people I have had really great connections with, that I wanted desperately . . . they thought the same thing. But they sure as hell didn't say it out loud. I am passionate about honesty, I really am. But goddammit that is something you could have kept to yourself, that is something I really did not need to hear.

My insomnia last night wasn't from the joking and laughter and caffeine . . . I couldn't stop hearing it.
The exact wording is lost, it was nearly 3am, how could I possibly remember the exact words . . . but . . .

Despite a few select individuals (if you are reading this you are most likely one of the few select, kudos to you), I do not date the cream of the crop, particularly when it comes to men. I have had some really horrible . . . despicable relationships, many of them not because it was a flaw in the match or the situation, but because the other person was an ass. . . . I think my longest relationship was a few months.I don't have any pictures of myself with anyone I ever dated. Not because I got rid of them out of anger or anything, they were just never taken.
Yeah, I haven't had any physical abusers, maybe I am in no place to complain. But hearing that . . . . why did you have to tell me? to let me know, let my mind wander and slowly realize, you know what, . . . I would probably get some betters guys/girls if I wasn't fat.
And I dont mean better as in prettier or anything . . . People who are really good, really nice, make great partners, they dont have to be too terribly attractive to have higher standards of beauty for their partners, they are amazing and kind and caring enough to deserve someone more attractive than they may be outwardly.

I have about 10 minutes till I need to leave now . . .

When I talk to you I know I sound so well adjusted, so understanding and OK with my situation . . . I don't know why I want you to think that about me so badly. I don't know why I am so afraid of you thinking and knowing that it hurts like hell to be unwanted and ugly . . .

You know, if I wasn't fat and you therefore wanted to date me, I don't even know If I would want you. I am not even sure I do now or did before you said it . . . but goddammit why tell me that, when I feel so alone.

When I woke up around 7:30 to you shuffling about, unable to fall back asleep, you said that if I hadnt woken up you were going to play a joke on me. put your head right up next to mine and say "hey baby was last night good for you too?" . . . . funny? yes. appropriate after what you said last night? I don't know. I laughed at it, I laughed the way I laughed when I was dumped on New Years, It was funny and ridiculous and painful . . . If I was as well adjusted as I lead you to beleive I am sure that i would have had a very different kind of laughter . . . but the difference would not be noticeable to you.

the problem is I have been reading the Princess Bride again, and giving you backrubs. and you have eyes like a sea after a storm . . . .

that is all the problem is, nothing more

I need a new diary layout

I wish my parents had never bought me a tool kit