I did some more packing, and I am thinking about what there is left of my life in this room to put away.
2 notebooks,
my computer and printer
my tupperware and cookie pans
my bedsheets
my movies
my dvd player
my calendar
my small collection of remaining clothes
my towel
then the only other things are the vast array of odds and ends i have collected. perhaps the largest part of my life is a bunch of odds and ends.
I have to pack and bustle and clean, because i cant go to bed, i had at least 5 cigarettes, and i just cant sleep.

I threw the ring off the top of the parking deck, after trying very hard to scratch and ruin it on the concrete. I thought about it for a very long time before i threw it. I had been thinking about it since i got on the elevator and through the first 2 cigarettes. I thought it would be one of those things one does and then regrets. Then I though more. It was lost to me entirely until a few weeks ago. Until then I had completely forgotten i owned it. So throwing it felt very natural, wonderful. I couldnt quite see it land, but i saw it arc down almost into a yaard across the street and heard a clacking as though it landed on pavement, concrete or a car.

I thought I would have at least one more day before this. I thought this would happen maybe sometime tomorrow. Or in a phone or internet conversation sometime in this coming week. I thought i would get to stuff in a few more good memories before the inevitable end. I was wrong

I wanted to call someone, but there was no one I could. Who do I have now that I could call at 2 am and talk to about these things? Hell, who did I ever have? 2am is not a good time to have something emotional happen.

i shouldnt be mad at him, I said I wasnt. I lied. and I have good reason to be mad at him. I could tell he saw a bad situation, and I know that he is not stupid enough to think that he was not making that situation worse. If i was a slightly more paranoid person I would say he was making it worse on purpose.

She doesnt need a girl-friend. She needs a best friend, which she has. She needs someone to flirt and cuddle with, which she seems to have found. And she needs a fuck buddy. I wish her the best of luck in completing her triumverant of emotional fulfillment.
fucking hell

it is now 4 am. in 8 hours my family will be here.

I want to yell and scream and throw some more things. I want to gripe to my best friend. I want a fucking hug.

I find my wide variety of reactions to the ends of relationships interesting. I have been totally stoic, i have been in tears and suicidal, i have been full of laughter, and now i have been goddam fucking pissed. more than anything I am angry, and not even angry at anyone in particular, just angry. That is the problem with me and anger. In all sincerity I am rarely angry at a person, jsut angry. People dont beleive me when i say that. It is true though.

I should go to bed, once i hear a song that will relax me enough maybe i will go.