I used to think I was such a good writer, what the hell happened?

I can't be sad anymore, i try, it doesn't work very well. I keep talking to you, or thinking about you and i smile, and i laugh and i feel very small and very warm and very right.

i am having dinner with my female friends tonight. It is something they do daily that i haven't participated in for a while. My schedule has not been permissive of it this semester, and i have been busy with theatrical things. I hardly know them anymore. It is amazing how much i allow distance to affect relationships. One girl, who I thought was such a good friend i make no effort to talk to at all anymore, she only lives 3 floors above me. Another girl lives only 2 floors below (in fact i am often on her floor to visit my male friends) but i hardly talk to her anymore either. The female friends i have remained close to live just down the hall. I didn't like them much when i was first getting to know them in all honesty, now i prefer spending time with them to being around the others of that group.
I got so many friends very wuickly when i got here, i was thrilled byt it. then i was frightened by it. because ir ealized i wasnt truly close to any of them, at all. Things have settled, i have few friends again. And the ones i am becoming clsoe to, are those i least expected.

Right now i am unsure as to who i will be living with next semester. I do not yet know if i will have a job as a CA (coomunity advisor in the dorm, some schools call it an RA) and have a room to myself. If i dont get the job I will be rooming with one of my female friends. I cant think of any of my friends i would like to live with, male or female.
But if i do get the job, and the single room that comes with it .. . . how alone will i be? I am a bit laothe to think about it.