This conversation, was a long time in coming. A very very long time.
I changed the screenname becuase I know my brother would flip if i put up his actual screenname for the public to see.
I can't stand keeping things from him. I had to do this sooner or later.
I suppose I always wanted to, he know si have an online diary and i told him he could look at it if he wanted, but he always refused . . . i wanted him to read it, i really did. I jsut can't stand him not knowing things, the way some people can't stand lying to their mothers . . . those people do exist, trust me.
just read it, ok?

dryophelia: did you know that i smoke?
mybrother: You told me you did occasionally because of all those smoker friends you acumulated.
dryophelia: ok, i didnt know if i had told you or not
dryophelia: and its more than occassionally, not alot or anything, not heavily, but . . . yeah
dryophelia: teht hing is, it replaces other self-destructive things i used to do, that i never told you about
mybrother: *blinks* like what ?
dryophelia: i used to cut myself
dryophelia: and i would burn myself
dryophelia: that little vertical scar i have, on the back of my left wrist, that i say i dont remember how i got it . . . . thats from the first time i cut myself, it was a sort of morbid curiousity almost
mybrother: Well on the oneside you replaced short term damage with smoking wich is sorta good. However you need to work to resolve the issue instead of migrating to other activities.
dryophelia: i know
dryophelia: smoking is less psychologically damaging, just not healthy
dryophelia: i dont know how mom didnt know . . . .
dryophelia: its sort of, like . . . . mom only seeing abd beleiving what she wants to, you know?
dryophelia: cause she saw this serious of cuts on my arm once, and asked me where they came from, and i told her that Adrienne's cat attacked me
dryophelia: and she beleived it
mybrother: Its sort of easy to hide things from are parents.. god knows its probably true of all parents.
mybrother: Also mom probably doesnt know how common cutting really is.
dryophelia: i started burning in middle school, like 8th grade. i would hold a lighter under my wrist till the skin turned black. Then in highschool i started cutting
dryophelia: i dont know why i am telling you this now
mybrother: Well sometimes it feels good to get things like that off your chest, even if they have migrated into something new.
dryophelia: mom saw the cuts on my arm again, maybe a year later, i told her i had reached for something over the fence and scratched my arm on the chicken wire
dryophelia: which she totally shouldnt have beleived, it was so at the wrong angle and stuff . . it didnt look like that at all
mybrother: I hate to tell you this kati, but mom is pretty niave.
dryophelia: yeah, i know
dryophelia: but she is also pretty intelligent, i felt so lucky that she just looked the other way, you know? it wasnt like it was cry for help stuff, it wasnt like i wanted her to see it and to find out
mybrother: While mom is pretty intelligent.. she has a blind spot. She has problems in her own life she is denial about this does affect her judgement.
dryophelia: yeah
dryophelia: mom is such a peice of work
4:44:20 dryophelia: i miss when i was younger and i thought she was the good kinda rational stable aprent
mybrother: I think she is for the most part.
dryophelia: by comparison maybe
dryophelia: i feel so disillusioned about mom
dryophelia: when iwas around 15 it was all so black and white, mom was good, dad was bad, mom was nice, dad was mean
mybrother: I hate to say it Kati, but I think you dont give mom full credit.
dryophelia: but now, there are occassional moments, rare but existant, in which dad is kinda fun, and there are alot more moments where mom is cruel in her own special kind of way
dryophelia: i can't stand the way she treats you sometimes
mybrother: Which times ? (Im suddenly not knowing what genre of mom actions we are talking about)
dryophelia: when she tells you that you need a girlfriend
dryophelia: when she flips out on me everytime you act slightly not normal and things that you arent taking your meds
dryophelia: the way she wont let us have and own our own mistakes
mybrother: Well to the first I agree, to the second I dislike it when she does it but understand. She is still our parent and we still for all intents and purposes rely on her, so she feels she has the right to force us "fixed" and she is probably justified in doing so.
mybrother: It almost seems like we have become more normal than her, and thus it causes more problems.
dryophelia: i read this thing, about how divorced single mothers start looking to their child to provide that sort of peer support, to fulfill some of the emotional needs taht their husband would fill, jsut the confidant and stuff like that
dryophelia: mom did that with you, me to a lesser degree, but she has done that with you
mybrother: Yes
dryophelia: with me, she only confides in me when it comes to you, and that didnt start until after you came out, even though what she confides in me about has nothing to do with your sexuality
dryophelia: that is why i always though she liked you better than me
dryophelia: i was her rebellious unruly child, you were her peer
mybrother: In a lot of ways she left you out precisely to shield you.
dryophelia: what do you mean?
mybrother: She thought you were more vulnerable to the sort of emotional side effects of having parents who didnt get along.
dryophelia: what always bothered me more was that mom didnt acknowledge it
dryophelia: i mean . . . . how could i not know? how could i not tell?
mybrother: She doesn't acknowledge much.
dryophelia: in middle school i used to really wish mom and dad would divorce
dryophelia: llike sincerely
mybrother: But also she didnt think she was going to hide the conflict from you, but the details wich she would give me.
mybrother: I still do.
dryophelia: yeah
dryophelia: i really thought she might do it after we both got out of college, but it seems like she just wants to go down with the ship
mybrother: yeah
dryophelia: i was talking with mom about somebody's marriage and she said something to the affect of "I jsut couldnt imagine being married to someone that long who you don't really love or who doesn't care about you" something like that, something about being in a bad marriage for a long time
dryophelia: i just stared at her for the longest time and finally said "so you and dad have been married 21 years right?
dryophelia: it was kind of hurtful of me to say
mybrother: man kati that was a little cold
dryophelia: she went on one of her little spiels defending her marriage, it reminded me of the "your father is a good man" speech
dryophelia: it was cold, i wish i hadnt said it
dryophelia: in some ways i think dad is rubbing off on mom
mybrother: I gotta go to dinner.
dryophelia: ok
mybrother: bye
dryophelia: have fun
dryophelia: bye
mybrother disconnected