I cant pay enough attention I try, but it never quite works out as i plan. the world skims by and i try desperately to grab on to it . . . to little or no avail

I thought we were having fun, I thought things were going well
I thought the unspoken purpose of the night was to make me feel better, even though it wasnt how we started out.

I blink and suddenly there is violence in the air. Harsh words I cannot properly remember, a raised fist.
You a pacifist, normally, visciously pacifistic, to the point that a playful slap on the arm is an offensive act. Now suddenly a moment away from violence, a moment away from attacking someone i know you love.

The worst of you, the absolute worst of you. I wanted to write you off as a jackass at that very moment. every fiber of me wanted to do that, every inch. That little sliver of me with a bit of faith in humanity holds on for a moment longer. That tiny bit of me longs to understand the motives.

(I feel drunken right now, just a bit. Even though no alcohol is in my system. its this feeling of weight in the back of my head and my shoulders. Im not sure why)

i saw the best and worst of you. Utter unctrollable rage, actions that cannot be described other than those of various derogatroy terms for you. Then you trying so hard to cry. face in hands, feeling so incapable
wanting to apologize but being so afraid, the weak and feeble and vulnerable realisation of something uncontrollable within you.

Does every asshole feel that? or just you?

I wanted to tell him what you told me, but a moment alone could not be found. The way communcation changes because of gender lines is utterly madening. If you could talk to him the way you do me, make him understand the way you make me.

i felt sick. I wanted to just leave. I wanted not to deal with the situation. I cannot decide which is my true nature, staying and helping or going and letting the mess take care of tiself. I keep wanting to think that one of those is my nature and one something i wish i was. Do i want to stay and help and make it all better? I do that. I know i do. often times despite my better judgement.

I feel meek today, and silly and pitiful. I cannot gain the courage to call you, it shouldnt take any courage.