I am feeling like the world is very random and very chaotic and very padded.

my pillow still smells like you

I could not stop smiling today. I sat in Brown theatre, not really talking to anyone but surrounded by friends with "beast of burden" playing. I couldnt stop moving, stop lip-synching to the parts i knew and feeling utterly delighted by the music and the company and the general air of things around me an dmy life.

about 4 years ago i would jokingly call my brother an Anne Frankist when he was optimistic and reluctant to beleive in the horrific core of all beings that was so obvious to me at the time. Our roles are now reversed, they have been for the past year or so. he is ht eone spouting nonesense about not allowing stupid people to mate, and about how deep down humanity is ropetty much evil. I am the one who is all smiles, who only holds on to enough cynicism to be realistic.

I feel so wary and nervous and excited and giddy and wonderful. There was a version of me som eyears ago that would look at me and shake her head. Some years ago there was another version of me that would dive headlong into this and come out shattered.

I am writing again and i feel like something I am not.

I am up to 50 people who list my diary as a favorite (lets ignore the fact that a large chunk of those are dead diaries). I added a counter (i.e. ego padding device) over a week ago and can see many people coming to look at my diary from many unexpected places. My english teacher handed back my crtique of a Sylvia Plath poem today and told me that my grade was a rarity. Beneath my A plus she encouraged me to go for undergrad publishing opportunities.

And I feel wanted, and talented, and cared about, and beautiful, and very much not alone anymore.