I promised myself i wouldnt smoke anymore till i had an opportunity at home
i just smoked two in a row.

I'm not sure why, i wrote that last entry and iw anted to cry, for so many reasons. because i couldnt fix thigns or control them, i couldnt handle things the wya i used to, i couldnt go to who i went to for years now. and i am going home. poh fuckign christ ia m going home . . . what am i going to do there? people care about me here, like really care.
Harold saw me leaning on the light pole on the bridge smoking and silently crying and tried to find out what was wronge ven though his mother was waiting for him in plain site .. . . he cared. he really cared.
i have people who care about me here . . . but when i go home. .. what?
I don't belongt here and in that town. I may not belong here either but at least there are alot of other people here who dont belong who i can pretend to belong with.
mom will yell at me for trimming my hair
home for a week . . . god what if they find my tattoo, or catch me smoking or doing drugs.
I found his home number on the campus directory . . . i hate that i did it. but the idea of being unable to contact him for so long worried me so much . . . i shouldnt have done it
part of me is thinking that over break i could just suddenly find myself in Raleigh . . not very bloody likely, but i could. and i could call him and say "hi, im in raleigh . . . i want to see you"
and what excuse for being there could i give other than wanting to see him. what would he think of me taking a random two hour drive to see hsi face . . because for some reason i didnt think i could last a week without him
i dont know if ic an
i know i can, i know technically i can, i know physically and mentally i can . . . but i know i wont like it much.
I shouldnt have looked it up, i shouldnt have. the temptation to call is too great and once my cell phone is fixed i cant use long distance as an excuse
maybe when i am home i will meet someone else. someone who i will fall head over heels for and i will forget him . my feelings for him will fade, they will be transposed onto this new person, this far mreo attainable person.
i keep dreaming and dreaming

i dont want to feel this anymore. but i do, i love feeling for him so much. but it is useless, and i am silly

i have now written like 3 fucking entries about this guy and going home three for chrissake. sigh. I am so pitiful. I know I cant help that this is what has been taking control of my mind fo rthe past few days . . . but i feel so silyl and childish going on and aon about a guy
i guess its that hopeless romantic thing again . . . dammit