Do I even care that you are gone at this point?
part of me doesnt and part of me wants to act happy that my life now does not have you in it.

all i really know for sure is that there is a hold in me that will never be filled. That isn't so unusual. I am a mass of holes, i am swiss cheese.

Sometimes, it seems like everyone i meet at least leaves a dent in me, that i feel empty and aching everytime someone leaves the room.
a thousand faces, a million expressions, countless atoms swirling in and out of me, through gaps all across me. each taking a bit, like millions of parasytes.

would it be right to call you one of the parasites?

i am full of questions lately, and not so much answers.

I am leaning toward atheism now. not hardcored all-we-are-is-a-random-assemblance-of-atoms atheism. just . . . i feel like with all my buddhachristiawiccajew jokes and ramblings on how god exists but not in the way god is defined . . . i feel like it is jsut dilluding myself and trying very ahrd to hold on to a glimpse of wha ti was taught. because if i think god exists but isnt like any defined precept of god then it isnt god . . am i making any sense? its a basic problem of vocabulary.

would you even care?
there was a time. . .
but no, it is pointless to think about, an end of an era i suppose. I suppose it ended so much longer ago for you.

perhaps this is the way my whole life will be. no one will be around forever, people will come along, be my world, my life, my everlasting confidant, then poof no more.

it seems like the more you try to pull things together, the less they stay together.