I wanted to run to you and apologize. sift through the throngs till i saw your face and tell you how sorry i felt

but i knew that if i did, your only response would be, sorry for what? . . .

it is quite easy to say something oyu dont mean, for cruel and mean words to slip out with no malicious intent.
but to miscommunicate body language . . . to say with your actions in subtle ways something entirely different from what oyu think or feel for no perceivable reason, that is much harder to do, much stranger, and much more difficult for me to apologize for.

How can I say, i am sorry i acted physically and emotionally distant, im sorry i purposefully sat an akwardly far distance away and allowed someone to sit between us and impede our conversation and therefore cut ties of communication with you

i didnt mean to

i have been so worried is all . . . i have seen the gears turning in your head for the past day or so and i am positive that the direction they are moving and the thoughts they are making are very much not in my favor.

how do i say that i was going to sit next to you but in a split second of thought i was afraid that things might be akward, that iw as spopntaneously afraid that you would . . . i dont know what you would do

i dont know how to fix this, i dont know how to make it right or to even confront the fact that something was wrong.

my chest feels tight, my stomache sore
i feel disgusting