In about thirty minutes i will treck up to flights of stairs, around a corner and into the arms of a bottle of vodka.

Somehow i need to find a way to be a better mood beofre then. drinking when depressed will make me mroe depressed.

I take it back though, I am not depressed per se. I just feel strange, a bit whistful and confused. In the pit of my stomache there is a rock. and i am sure that no amount of vodka, beer or wine will dissolve it.

I can't figure this all out.

my brother told me today i was forceful and decisive and a 'go-get-em' sort of person.

am i?

i dont understand that. I suppose in someways, i can walk up to a stranger and ask them how old they are when a friend and i are trying to figure it out across a restaurant. that is a bit bold . . . i cant kiss someone without knowing they want to be kissed, beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I can't initiated i cant be the aggressor

all though . . . if i want anything to happen i will have to be.

I dont understand
because when you look at me i know there is something
sometimes i am utterly positive that there is osmething in your eyes other than paying attention to the conversation
and i wonder if it is all in my head, and i wonder if he knows it is there. if he can see it or feel it in his own eyes.
there is a certain softness there at times tha ti so rarely see . . .
my stomache rock is there still

i will kiss him, perhaps tonight, and feel his lips and the hint of surprise.

I wish I was not myself . . . more so than i already am. I wish iw as an entirely different entity. someone who could observe, and understand everything in a way i cannot. So I could refer to myself and see . . . maybe become bold through knowledge. confidence.

there is something thrilling and special about feeling skin against my lips . . . i want to kiss him, so badly. I keep thinking and alanlyzing it so much tghat it is reaching a point wher ei can no longer fathom the basic mechanics of it. I have unraveled all its components in my mind that it is a series of unconnected mometns and sensations bouncing around in my brain, with no clear map as to how to acheive them, and in what order

more later perhaps, but if there is more, it will be written while intoxicated