the lesson of the moth

i was talking to a moth
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense

plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter
it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves

and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity

but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself

archy

-- Don Marquis

If you have been reading this diary for a long time, probably 2 years or more, you have seen this poem on here before, i am sure.
I still feel very much it is the defining conflict of my life. That craving for idealistic ideas, likelove, and beauty, and the horrible detriment it can cause. sometimes i am the moth, sometimes i am archy . . . usually i am both.

even though i had b een sleep deprived all weekend i stayed up till 2am last night, singing beatles songs with the tall lanky young gentleman and his ewok-like roommate. I went form having maybe 20 beatles songs on my computer to having about 60.
I downloaded "Maybe I'm amazed" as well, even though it isnt technically a beatles song, its a paul mccartney alone song, one of the few paul songs i feel really passionate about.
the tall lanky young gentleman and i sang along ot maybe I'm amazed, and for what seemed like the longest moment in human history our eyes locked over it.

That moment meant more to me than so many other moments.
I have romantic moments that occured with people i never became involved with that stand out so much more in my mind than moments within relationships i have had.

When I confessed what I thought was love to my first boyfriend, that moment is less to me than staying up late talking with a certain young lady i had no chance with.
Giggling, insanely happy with a person who was my girlfriend at the time dis on par with locking eyes with someone else from my past, who for a time i wanted desperately

i am fairly sure, that the look between me and the tall lanky young gentleman is more impactful than when i lost my virginity in the technical sense.
I dont want to over-romanticize him, because i know he would ahte it
and because if i did i knew i would doom myself to having nothign come of it.