So I kissed him.
everytime I see him now i end up taking his hat, i put it on and feel quite comfortable and safe, when i laugh to hard and something embarassing or just plain ludicrous i pull the brim down over my eyes. He had me do this occassionally thanks to his jokes and puns.

the way he smiles at me

He told me he isnt sure if there is such a thing as love, i told him i think that is a horrible way to live life
"why a life without love? thats terrible!"

he told me he has never dated anyone, never had sex, never kissed anyone.

Stereotypically men are supposed to like the idea of virgins, of undiscovered territory.

I told a friend, who I was sure did not know him that he told me he had never kissed anyone. I referred to him as "the tall lanky young gentleman who does a fantastic impression of Woody Allen" I joked about batting my eyelashes at him, to no avail. It was all quite funny
then in a moment of silence i said he has never kissed anyone . . . . sometimes i just want to surprise him, surprise him with my lips.

He is incredibly innocent in this cynical and jaded way. When he makes comments, that are so sad, so pessimistic i see the wall in his eyes, and if i look hard enough i can see past it. I can look and see what he is that he is trying to defend so well.

"How is that horrible? I find it comforting"
"Its just so hard to imagine a world without it."
"Are you? . . . i bet you are--"
"a romantic? yes, a recovering hopeless romantic to be exact."

He became slap happy tonight, the most adorable thing i have ever seen. and his walls were crumbling, and he smiled an laughed without abandon.
This was all less than an hour ago.
I decided it was late, i should leave, i went to put his hat back on him, i surprised him with my lips
on his cheek, that is all. The idea of being his first real kiss and completely surprising him with it . . . that seemed unfair and rather intimidating.

"She kissed me!"

again, somehow, for the millionth time I find that everything reminds me of the Prince Bride, a phenomenon we have discussed several times before.
As we laughed and i walked out of the room he asked me why i did it, i looked at him and couldnt answer.
I couldnt say to a slapp happy and jaded tall lanky boy that i had been wanting to kiss him very much for the past week and if it werent for my being so self conscious and scared i would have moved the kiss over a few inches.
I walked out and a few rooms down i heard him calling me

I knew what it was for, a week beforehand i had staye din his room talking with him and his roommate till 4 in the morning, when i was leaving i they were in bed about to sleep already, a few doors down they called me back
and asked me to turn off the light.

i walked back down the hall to his room and iwth him still laughing, his roommate (my close friend who was there this whole time, did imention that?) his roommate saying no, no dont! I looked at him and smiled, i turned the light off and said goodnight, i left, and grinned from ear to ear the whole way back to my room

i havent been able to sleep, so i messed on my computer got an article for class and talked to a friend for a while . . . all the while thinking about how time ceases to exist when i talk to him.
and how i kissed him, how i found a moment and surprised him

and it wasnt akward and clumsy, and it wasnt ideal and overromanticized and cinematic

the romantic film obsessed part of me want him to show up at my door a few minutes later and kiss me on the lips, but i knew that wouldnt happen.

right now i am sure that he is laying bed, laughing uncontrolably, becuase he is quite slap happy tonight, and he and his roommate are singing beatles songs till they fall asleep.

that is better somehow