So
maybe a rise in self esteem and confidence is only temporary, perhaps not.
When I was young i would have a crush on one person, my entire energies would be focused on them, i would bat my eyelashes intensely, flirt as best i knew how abd pray and wish and insist this was love. This started when iw as in kindergarten and though i learned to be more subtle as years went by the mindset continued up through the majority of middle school, that is about 8 years of my life. that is a huge chunk, not far from half.
I know am much healtheir when it comes to infatuations, i can be attracted to multiple people casually. I dont think every crush is love and dont invest all my self-esteem in the idea of that person reciprocrating, incidentally during those 8 years, not a soul reciprocated.
There is the fellow I attempted to ask out last semester, but did it so akwardly he didnt even realize i had attempted to do so. My friend saw us talking abd insists he is attracted to me, after talking and me attempting to flirt with him for mroe than a semester, i doubt it.
There is a certain girl who i hung otu with almost exclusively for a few weeks, but it seems she ahs no interest in me, so that is passing.
The latest development is a certain tall lanky young gentleman. I was in his room till 2 am last night (or this morning).
I sat beside him watching an excrutiatingly long but fantastic old black and white movie, we would turn to eachother occassionally and laugh at a certain main characters voice, whenever one of us made a comment our eyes would lock, just completely and i wanted to kiss him, godddammit i wanted to kiss him.
I have been trying with such ridiculously bad luck to create movie-like romantic moments. Sitting beside eachothe rwatching a play i try to have our arms brush up against eachother on the arm rest, or to have him sitting in the right place when i leave his room so i can trail my hand across his shoulder, or tossle his hair.
It never pans out.
The only time I have had sincere movie moments (excluding once apon a time when i was with a certain chao because he tries to create them subconsciously while i do so consciously, heh) was with my last bad idea, as i referred to him to a friend a few nights ago. One cinematic moment of soft lenses and soundtracks, perfect camera angles and quite a few takes.
everything beyond that moment was shit, so i dont see why i would want to create that sort of moment again.
why would i want to recreate old mistakes?
but oh . . i cant let myself forget how fantastic the first few moments of my mistakes were . . .

<< A Mistake >>
--- Fiona Apple

I'm gonna make a mistake-
I'm gonna do it on purpose
I'm gonna waste my time
Cuz I'm full as a tick
And I'm scratching at the surface
And what I find is mine
And when the day is done, and I look back
And the fact is I had fun, fumbling around
All the advice I shunned, and I ran
Where they told me not to run, but I sure
Had fun, so
I'm gonna fuck it up again
I'm gonna do another detour
Unpave my path
And if you wanna make sense
Whatcha looking at me for
I'm no good at math
And when I find my way back,
The fact is I just may stay, or I may not
I've acquired quite a taste
For a well-made mistake
I wanna mistake why can't I make a mistake?
I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why-
Do I wanna do right, of course but
Do I really wanna feel I'm forced to
Answer you, hell no
I've acquired quite a taste
For a well-made mistake, I wanna
Make a mistake, why can't I make a mistake
I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why-