Last night I got depressed
for reasons I'd rather not say.
I found the most appropriate playlist on my ipod, through a hoodie on and pocketed my cigarettes
in a habit I have formed
I put up an away message saying where I was
"If you're look for me I'm probably downstairs,
I dont suggest you look for me"
and followed those words by some song lyrics
that I thought were appropriate

I flew down the stiars and walked outside
passed some acquaintances wihtout nod
I went to the bridge
a lonely place, an alternate path fromt he dorm to the road that the construction crew ha dnto finished yet.
I sat on the end, by the fence where construction had ceased.

Ym pants were too thin for winter, nad i felt cold cncrete seeping through.
I lit a cigarette and msoked it, listen to songs
Wicked Little Town
Last Dance With MaryJane
You don't care about us
Down So Long

I was cold and I put my hood up, thought it helped little. I thought rather morosely that the away message was a mistake, that it sounded too much like a cry for help, though perhaps it was.
A few minutes after that thougt
I saw heather come out of the building
a twitch in my mind
she is looking for me.
She did not find me
she inhaled a cigarette quickly and went in.

I lit cigarette number two, and thought about going in, i was beginning to shudder and shake
I stayed.
I listened to music.
Missing
Ode to the Lonely Hearted
Miss Blue
Never There
Adia

I thought about how when I got my tattoo and it hurt a bit too much I thought about a certain he's seinfeld impersonations and his smile to take my mind away
I thought about the night a certain she was crying in her sleep and I held her.
I thought about the time a certain he called me at 2 in the morning, so happy, and i was too tired to share in it, but listened as best as i could.
I thought about the time a certain she left me with two sentences. . . I havent heard from her since.

I saw a group of my friends,
the sort who would look for me if they saw the away message,
pass by, going into the dorm from elsewhere
surely not knowing there was reason to look for me
they passed on without notice
i nearly cracked a smile

I went to light cigarette number three, my fingertips were numb and i could not light it for some time, i rubbed my hands together trying to muster the warmth to flib the lighter. after smoe effor tit was lit.
some guy on a cellphone walked down the bridge talking and not seeing me
I couldnt hear what he said
I listened to music.
Tom's Diner
Sad Songs and Waltzes
Friend is a Four Letter Word
Dark Blue
Days Before You Came

I wanted to cry and could not,
it was too cold and too slow.
I began to shudder uncontrollably, the cold too far in my, my elbow acted of its own accord and my fingers trembled and when i didnot concentrate hard enough on stoppin git my teeth actually chattered.
the third cigarette gone and the cost decidedly clear. I turned off my ipod and walked in. I took the elevator up
i found a note on my door
heather had stopped by
i ignored it and went it
i took out my favorite blanket
wrapped myself up and sat on the bed by the heater
i cried a bit, finally
and after abotu an hour my numbness was surely gone.
I tried to write
I toyed with the idea of some metaphor with tattoo ink
but decided against it
i ended up with an unfinished poem
that wasnt a poem at all
it was short lines of prose
scattered about
in some lame attempt at structured freeverse
i tossed it aside and just thought

Thought of the time a certain He had made me laugh, made me cry, made me smile.
Thought of the times I was important
the times I was not
I thought of all the unspoken words dyin gto escape when speaking to certain shes.

I drifted to sleep a few times
through no fault of my own
i reawakened thought more
lost my consciousness and tears
at one thirtyi changed
crawled into my own bed
found a position in which i would not aly on my new tattoo and fell asleep

it is all gone again.