I don't do New Year's resolutions anymore
When I find old diaries of mine, scrawled ntoebooks with cheap breakable locks and little hears and my name in cursive with different last names . . . there is always a record of a set of New Year's resolutions. A set which i never followed anyway.
They were always horribly unrealistic, go out with so and so, get my first kiss, lose a few millions pounds, become a grown up
As I got older they got better, more plausible. . Be mroe honest with myself, write every day, lsoe a bit of weight
I remember being in thrid grade and we were writing our new years resolutions on construction paper to put on the wall, i was the only one resolving to lose weight
In the past few years they have hardly existed, or if they did I quickly forgot them, and of course, did not succeed.
and now all I can think about, with a certain dread was my last new years eve, and how much i dread having it again

because, though i laughed, i laughed hard . .. it wasnt exactly ideal. It was far from it and for some time i felt like it was some blasted omen as to how my year was going to go
and maybe it was.

Now all I know is that when the next year rolls around I want it to be different. I want to be surrounded by friends, not strangers. I want to be comfortable, not akward. I want to be happy and accepted. Not annoyed confused and dumped.
I haven't thought of him, not in a long time. I haven't thought of how I knew from the beginning it would be bad. Of how i couldnt tell him what I thought, Of how when it started i was so lonely, so starved for affection that i could not even conceive of saying no again.
And his eyes, that damned look in his eyes when i knew it was soon to be over, It is almost as if I could see the instant he made the decision. and I felt releived that he was doing it and not me

And most of all, I am positive that I do not want to spend this new years eve sober. No, I dont want to go into the new year with a crystal clear head. I dont want to start off aware. I want things to be cloudy so that i will have something to illuminate as time goes by.

And no resolutions. No reason to start off with hopes too high. Just expectation and a wait . . . to see what happens and to see what i will do.